|
faded
Nov 11, 2015 20:08:23 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 11, 2015 20:08:23 GMT -5
The Hindu reference to the infinite one was a nice surprise. The first three strophes are out of order; one and three talk about fading/fleeting but in two they are remembered. I recommend paring this down a bit. Combine S 1 & 3, and place the new strophe before remembering (S2). Also, I think you should open with S4. It makes a very captivating opening. Eg; " So let that sax blow Piano roll over note collections Ever fading faces, places grown haggard or gone
Faces fade passing souls Color bled celluloid friends gone in memory’s effervesce return dreams to the surface
Stark image for a blue movie Reverie Enchantress Living was more than this
Pulled away with force of gravity Broken promises, bones Fated to tail's end Ananta won't be satiated" I’m not sure about your word choice of “reverie” placed where it is. It seems so contrary to the rest of the strophe. This has the feel of both a tribute and a thought provoking reflection on futility. Well done and thanks for sharing.
|
|
|
faded
Dec 4, 2015 15:10:17 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Dec 4, 2015 15:10:17 GMT -5
IMO the 2nd version is a lot better, gives a clearer more focused view an a better read Will have to google Ananta Seems a very pessimistic write...maybe wots really important from now till death is...having a bloody good laugh along the way
|
|
|
faded
Feb 11, 2018 13:49:43 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by monapentacle666 on Feb 11, 2018 13:49:43 GMT -5
Classic death awaits.
|
|