|
Post by Aish on Nov 7, 2015 2:16:23 GMT -5
V.2 Come closer, Love
so I can be little spoon, soft hand in hollow of hip seeking out divine vibratory warmth
disabling
before I dig in to your flame,
plunging icy hands inside your fire, digits lacing through vertebrae looking for the synapse of release
toes tangling around misfiring capillaries, wiring you into my disease
curling us into winter crescents.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ V.1
Baby I can be little spoon, soft hand in the hollow of hip seeking out divine vibratory warmth disabling
before I dig in to your flame
plunging icy hands inside your fire, digits lacing through vertebrae looking for the synapse of release toes tangling
around misfiring capillaries, wiring you into my disease
curling us into winter crescents.
|
|
|
Flare
Nov 7, 2015 20:49:21 GMT -5
Aish likes this
Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 7, 2015 20:49:21 GMT -5
The first line is a little wonky. I love the end, in fact, this gets better and better with each line.
|
|
|
Flare
Nov 7, 2015 22:07:17 GMT -5
Aish likes this
Post by Veritas on Nov 7, 2015 22:07:17 GMT -5
... my comment, is having trouble being executed... I've read at least 7-8 times.... little spoon....
|
|
|
Post by scottluvslocks on Nov 23, 2015 6:08:48 GMT -5
Baby I can be little spoon, soft hand in the hollow of hip seeking out divine vibratory warmth disabling
before I dig in to your flame
plunging icy hands inside your fire, digits lacing through vertebrae looking for the synapse of release toes tangling
around misfiring capillaries, wiring you into my disease
curling us into winter crescents.
There's an androgyny in the point of view that keeps this write intriguing. "around misfiring capillaries, wiring you into my disease curling us into winter crescents." is good, original feeling stuff. Having said that, I'd wonder if buzzing or humming would be a better choice than "vibratory". "Baby"? - too much like the start of a pick-up at a club. A few tweaks in syntax, esp opening verse, you'd have yourself quit good piece. Thanks Scott
|
|
|
Flare
Nov 26, 2015 0:43:02 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Nov 26, 2015 0:43:02 GMT -5
I deeply appreciate the feedback. Will be returning to clean it up a little bit.
|
|
|
Flare
Dec 5, 2015 5:23:32 GMT -5
Aish likes this
Post by twistedangel on Dec 5, 2015 5:23:32 GMT -5
Have read this a few times an I read into this a kinda vampyric quality...the ice maiden digging for warmth in the need for a shot if humanity for meself I love the use of 'vibratory' but agree that the use of 'baby' almost cheapens the poem Overall I loved this an the final line is killer
|
|
|
Flare
Dec 10, 2015 13:04:31 GMT -5
Post by awesomebill on Dec 10, 2015 13:04:31 GMT -5
I was like, waiting there looking at the dark screen like it we're computin' sumptin, thinkin' there would be a poem popping up front and center, ok, waiting...OH! LOL Dat de're poem is over on the right side that is professional style. As far as critique goes, I say dis poem is a 'lil too sexshy for me with my sugarnut creeping up in my undies, I Gotst'a get out you hear? And there's Carmen too!
|
|
|
Flare
Jul 16, 2016 23:14:44 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jul 16, 2016 23:14:44 GMT -5
Changes are up.
|
|
|
Flare
Jul 17, 2016 3:22:25 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jul 17, 2016 3:22:25 GMT -5
I am not a reddit user, and while looking around was quite confused - so this is a shout out to anyone here who uses it because this DOUCHE BAG is posting my work as his own (and even told someone who messaged him about it that it's his work - but he just put it up last month and as we all know, I wrote this last year) www.reddit.com/r/SoapboxBanhammer/comments/4o4n7k/baby_please_folksy/NOT IN A GOOD MOOD RIGHT NOW Edit: joined reddit and reported him. I hope the mods there are worth a shit.
|
|
|
Flare
Jul 17, 2016 15:32:50 GMT -5
Aish likes this
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 17, 2016 15:32:50 GMT -5
I love the revisions. You cleaned up the opening nicely. Awesome imagery and a lovely dream. A real pleasure to read from start to finish. Good enough to plagiarize. LOL Sorry, got to laugh or go hunting. That site is confusing. I'm not sure but it looks like he may have been banned.
|
|
|
Flare
Jul 19, 2016 21:06:06 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Aish on Jul 19, 2016 21:06:06 GMT -5
I'm still deciding if I should nix "vibrating". There isn't a suitable replacement, and standing beside it instead of inside it, I don't think my intention with it came across. I.e. each of us has a vibrational energy signature.
Dude has not been banned, he's made new posts and my piece is still there under his username. I've really wondered if it's Simon aka wildbill.
|
|
|
Flare
Jul 20, 2016 0:16:48 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 20, 2016 0:16:48 GMT -5
“…I don't think my intention with it came across. I.e. each of us has a vibrational energy signature.” – I got it and I think most people her will too. You could use “vibratory scent” to force the thought in a signature direction but I like “warmth” much better. It speaks of pleasing comfort in the vibration sought after. Divine covers the love/match thing. It’s good as is IMO.
|
|