|
AK
Sept 21, 2015 14:47:41 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 21, 2015 14:47:41 GMT -5
The title is driving me nuts. I can think of a dozen things it can stand for but the only one that seems to come close is, "Any Key." Anyway, I want to call it Roadie's Lament.
It comes off more like story telling than poetry but for that in itself it kinda' works. I read it the second time with a lyrical note and that seems to fit much better.
|
|
|
AK
Sept 22, 2015 17:12:11 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 22, 2015 17:12:11 GMT -5
Well, I think bother is too strong a word for what I meant. AK has special meanings for me too and I have a pair of AK skies I got free from the owner of the company. He was a cool guy too. A very wealthy man but you’d never know it just by meeting him. We hung out for a few years because we are a lot alike and love skiing. “It began as a story. I tried to make it into a poem. After multitudinal revisions, it became more songlike. I don't consider it to be resolved. It was a story that demanded to be told. This seemed like an opportune moment, since things were slow.” – I could tell most of that. It’s a good story and I have several that just needed to be told here too. We used to have a short story board I’d like to see come back someday. One of the things I love about the way you tell this is that it says just enough to be intriguing and leave the reader wanting to know more. As a poem it seems to be missing something but it is very poetic in some ways too. It’s good story telling but that comes across as a little deadpan as poetry. Writing is in some ways like acting. It’s all in the presentation. I often ask myself; “How would Shakespear or William Shatner read this?” There is a certain amount of theatrics involved with any art it seems. Even in Martial arts and that fact has always bothered me a little because I’m not prone to drama and I don’t practice theatrics. I don’t consider myself a great orator because of that but it is a part of poetry. Personally, I think the two great orators I mention are overly dramatic but that is obviously at least part of what the people want or those names wouldn’t be so famous. I’ll never speak like either of them but I can see the art of evocative speech and building an emotional reaction in the audience with their methods. Each sentence is a carefully written/spoken epic designed for that purpose. Notice how they love to start a sentence with one single explosive word that grabs the attention. Then the commentary is expressed in a more normal tone but the last few words are told in the tone that the speaker wants to accentuate in relation to the sentence; somber, delightful, enlightening, etc,. It’s a smaller more detailed version of the big structure used in all forms of writing; a captivating opening, a profound and memorable ending, and a body that connects and supports the two. I sucked at writing until a college English teacher explained it to me like that. I thought I was just supposed to present the facts and state my conclusions but when she explained it like that all that crap about paragraph structure and essays clicked. It’s the presentation that holds all the polish. I’ll pull one strophe and see if I can demonstrate (while thinking Shakespear) Eg; “In the scanty apartment a bedroll is shifted Introductions are made before vegan sandwiches”“Introductions” is the most explosive sounding word so I’ll start with that and the overall tone is that they are done amidst poor/scanty surroundings so I’ll end with that. It becomes something like; “Introductions made before vegan sandwiches, in a small dimlit apartment a bedroll shifts.” Don’t be afraid to make up words like “dimlit” if it works to build an image. I didn’t change much; I swapped the two lines, dropped one word from one line, and made a few word choice changes in the other line. There are a lot of little things at work here and you did most of them already. Introductions and sandwiches are both made and that aspect lends itself well to putting them together here. You could have mentioned the bedroll next but placing its mention after the small apartment accentuates the poverty conditions much better. Not only is it a small one light room but there are more people sharing it than there should be which is indicated by the bedroll. Mentioning the small apartment after the bedroll doesn’t “build” the image or emotion nearly as effectively. I went with small and dimlit instead of scanty mainly because scanty generally refers to food or clothing. I brought it into the present tense with the wording too. “Shifted” is too past tense for consistency throughout the poem. It’s a small thing that is easy to miss but it’s the little things that make up the polish. And now Shakespear can start out with a boisterous “INTRODUCTIONS” and slow that down through its making and that of the sandwiches. By the time he gets to the apartment, and especially the bedroll, he is in a slow somber tone we associate better with describing poverty (Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him…).
|
|
|
AK
Sept 23, 2015 1:16:29 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 23, 2015 1:16:29 GMT -5
"I would rather this have tranformed from the story structure. It would've been too telling in my need to make the details accurate." - I get frustrated with that a lot. Trying to make a story poetic always seems to change the story too much. It's worth the effort though because once in a while something amazing can come of it even if it's unrelated or not what we intended.
"The Shatner/Shakespeare analogy was funny as well as informative. Thanks for sharing. I always related more to Spock than Kirk." - I thought you might like that. I was always a Spock fan too.
English/writing was my hardest subject. I argued with every English teacher I ever had but I got along well with all of them. Math is my proffered language. LOL I never finished either. Five classes away from graduating and I finally got the job I'd been trying to get for seven years. Two of the classes I still needed were only taught during my work hours.
Something I meant to mention about martial arts and theatrics; I've taken classes in a few different martial arts but sword fencing was the one I stuck with for many years. There is always ceremony and other traditional theatrics involved but our fencing guild put on shows at some of the Renascence fairs. It is a lot of fun but we have to be actors and stay in character during the guest hours and I often stumble with the old English and pirate talk. I'm a horrible actor so I remembered a few common phrases and let my steel do most of the talking. LOL
|
|
|
AK
Sept 23, 2015 21:57:05 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 23, 2015 21:57:05 GMT -5
" I always seemed to get on best with her native american enthusiast and wiccan friends. I had been heavily into native american belief systems and shamanism out of high school. I attended a pow wow on my own during that time." - I've never had the opportunity to attend a pow wow. I've written a little about native Americans here and had some deep discussions at other sites. Human history is choked full of sorrow and cruelty. I consider myself a Wiccan and there are many of us here. You might say I have an unnatural affinity with nature. LOL Along with native American belief systems I've studied Celtic culture too.
|
|