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Post by fourtimefelon on Aug 4, 2015 20:32:47 GMT -5
So yeah.... This is a birthday poem. 365 That's the number of all the days, from the frostiness of new January's begin all the way to the bitterest of December's ends. In the midst of all that cold, I find just one warm day to remember within. If the world is an oyster, then you are clearly its pearl. Out of every single girl, the choicest of selections. The rarest of diamonds, cut with masterful perfection. On this day I'll keep you ensconced within my mind and heart, In your presence, knelt humbly before nature's finest work of art, if there's -nothing- else I choose to do, know this, I'll spend today frozen in reverence for the anniversary of you.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 5, 2015 0:54:32 GMT -5
Now that is a love poem. The title makes me want this to emphasize the span of a single year. As it is this is her 365th birthday. LOL I’ll visit this one again for sure.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 5, 2015 20:59:54 GMT -5
I like this, but I have already said that. Rereading it I’m not sure why I made that comment about emphasizing the year because you did that in the first line, somehow a came away at the end feeling that it wasn’t clear.
I know I have been harping on this lately and for a long time I suppose but this is wordy, particularly in certain places. Eg;
“Out of every single girl, the choicest of selections.” You use the plural here when you should be singling her out as the only choice. Eg; “Of every girl, the choice select.” Or “choicest select” but I made it as short as possible for emphasis.
And I so want the finally to read something more like;
“if I choose to do nothing, know this, I’m frozen in the anniversary of you.”
I really like the word "reverence" here but I think you can work it some ware into one of the two previous lines with more effect. That is where you are really leading us into your reverence. Let the final lines stress completely and singularly your forever frozen in dedication to her day.
BTW, I’m jealous. I’ve been trying to come up with something like this but they come out darkish.
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365
Aug 5, 2015 23:32:41 GMT -5
Post by fourtimefelon on Aug 5, 2015 23:32:41 GMT -5
BTW, I’m jealous. I’ve been trying to come up with something like this but they come out darkish. Don't be peanut-butter jelly! Thanks for the feedback. I shall ruminate. And I know what you mean about too darkish. Occasionally I come up with something sweet or semi-inspirational, and my mind goes, 'Where the f*ck did that come from!?!?!?' LOL!!
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365
Aug 6, 2015 15:15:25 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 6, 2015 15:15:25 GMT -5
“'Where the f*ck did that come from!?!?!?' LOL!!- LOL Yah, I get those too.
“Don't be peanut-butter jelly!” – That’s just it though, I’m trying to remember what peanut butter and jelly is and express it again.
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Post by twistedangel on Aug 7, 2015 12:21:52 GMT -5
Well if a pearl starts off as a bit of dirt..an a irritation...then there's hope for me yet Really like the sentiment behind this...not overly gooey
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365
Oct 12, 2015 15:27:12 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Oct 12, 2015 15:27:12 GMT -5
I've missed reading you. This is a gem. Rough, perhaps - but a gem nonetheless.
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