LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Post by LSD on Jun 13, 2015 12:50:25 GMT -5
You can teach a man to fish. Bring him water, and a bucket of gifts. But you can't make him believe. You can't make him drink.
Thirteen witches in a coven, Thirteen witches in a coven, And they love him. So he believes. So he drinks. And bleeds for them He does.
We want to live forever. But we don't live for today. Thirteen witches in a coven They know the way No other way
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 16, 2015 2:16:30 GMT -5
13 eh? I’m not sure any man should or could bleed that much. LOL I don’t think you need the last lines on S2 and S3. Definitely not on S2 but I’m on the fence about S3. S2 could stand alone and is haunting. S1 and S3 seem to be closely related while S2 is the profound realization that would make a grand finishing punch to this write. I’d move S3 up and possibly combine it with S1 to make a two strophe poem. Your punctuation could be cleaned up a bit too. Let the lines flow more smoothly. Eg; “You can teach a man to fish, bring him water, and a bucket of gifts.”Nice write. It demonstrates an understanding that seems rare among men. Thanks for sharing.
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