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Post by brokenwingedangel on Apr 27, 2015 18:20:02 GMT -5
A bird struck by Chance With Broken wings She's tries to take flight When she see a Flock of birds passing overhead She scrieks help me in her bird tongue They Hear her cry out Just a sad tune to the busy birds as they pass by
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 28, 2015 17:50:26 GMT -5
I like this a lot. I dig the message and as a bird lover I like the delivery and imagery too. It’s a testament to the times we live in. Is there so much crying and dying that no-one can hear our singular cry? Are we all so jaded that no one among our multitudes cares enough to listen? Can we do no more than echo her anguished cry?
L1 – Why is “Chance” capitalized? It shouldn’t be unless it is a name? L3 – “She’s” should be “She.” L4 – “see” should be “sees.” “Flock” needn’t be capitalized. L5 – “scrieks” – To be honest, I like it. It comes across as a combination of screech and shriek. L6 – Why is “Hear” capitalized? Hmmmm, I'm harping on capitalization again. Sorry.
It has all three elements of a good write; Your opening is captivating because I want to know more about this stricken bird. Your ending has a punch because wounded she is left to die. The body of the write connects them well. There is room for a poetic polish though.
When writing poetry I try to view my word choices, placement, and delivery as brush strokes of the image I’m painting in the readers’ mind. The smaller and mundane words like; “by”(in S1), “With” (in S2), “to” (in S3), “a”, “of”, etc. are to be avoided when they can be. Use all the descriptive words you can while leaving out all we have come to associate with normal or conversational writing. It’s an art and as such there is an image development involved with making crisp strokes. Implying can be very effective in this because it lets the reader fill in with their own personal imagery instead of being told what to see.
I wrote an example to demonstrate but it came out better than I intended and I don’t want to steal this from you. I like this so much I want to make it my own, that’s why I’ve decided to PM my suggestions to you, so you can use it all, in part, or not at all, as you like.
Thanks for sharing. I really like this a lot.
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Post by twistedangel on Apr 29, 2015 13:28:17 GMT -5
i love the image abd tge idea behind this..really cool the IMO theres some messy over worded lines
for meself L1 lose the 'A' L3 lose 'She's ' we already know who its about L4 'Seeing a flock of birds overhead'
gotta agree with LF "scrieks" a awesome word ☺
nice write ☺
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