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Post by twistedangel on Apr 19, 2015 13:32:23 GMT -5
Ghost of hope sits upon settee A foresaken head rests lain with eyes closed on invisible thighs Cradled with unshakeable non-existent arms
One bed flat Upon its singular chair Eating a meal for one Sharing her day With none
Her public face Swirling, gurggling into sink At least it breaks the silence
G+ hovers, at 132 followers A certain warmth, none have deleted today Ever searching the real in a myriad of the arcane Social network to help forget World outside her door Sadness in an ultimate truth None would mourn at her wake
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 19, 2015 20:25:29 GMT -5
I really like the first one
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 20, 2015 9:45:03 GMT -5
First one almost make me cry when I figure out what a settee was I can really relate to a lot of the ideas in the 4th one but something about the flow doesn't quite work for me.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 20, 2015 19:12:28 GMT -5
Stanza one - Is so well written it is hard to find any critique to give but I’ll try In L6 I think replacing “with” with “within” gives the cradling aspect a more encompassing feel. Your ghostly imagery is awesome. Stanza two – I want to see this expanded a bit to emphasize the singular (one) aspect. I can almost see her sitting on a chair in a small one room flat but the single naked dim light bulb hanging by a wire from a rust stained ceiling is missing. I can think of many ways to emphasize the singular aspect; single door, single window, a single plate and fork. I don’t think you need to go so far as to describe them all in this write (a less is more kind of thing here) but you get the idea. Also; “One bed flat Upon its singular chair”The wording of these lines clash the image a bit. As though trying to make the bed sit on the chair. Eg; “In a one bed flat upon a singular chair”clears it up nicely. Stanza three – Short and morbid. Nice I get two images actually. My first impression is of washing her daily makeup off but with a little more thought and morbid reflection I see an anguished face distortedly sliding off a skullface and down the drain. Stanza four – Vincent - “…but something about the flow doesn't quite work for me.” – It’s L2. Drop both of the commas. Using partial punctuation just doesn’t seem to work. In L2 drop/delete the comma and everything after that comma down to form a line of its own. I can think of a few more small changes I want to suggest and I think this would work well in couplets. Eg; “G+ hovers at 132 followers
A certain warmth none have deleted today
Ever searching for the real in a myriad of the arcane
Social network to help forget a world outside her door
Sadness in an ultimate truth none would mourn at her wake” Actually, I think it would be better to just rely on capitalization to separate the two line pairs but I wanted to demonstrate them this way for emphasis. Your short writs are your best. It has been, and I’m sure it will continue to be, a remarkable pleasure to see your skill develop in so many ways. Your word choices and combinations REALLY come alive in your short writes; “in a myriad of the arcane”These two words; “myriad” and “arcane,” work together superbly in this context to form a dead on emotion IMO.
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Post by twistedangel on Apr 24, 2015 1:44:32 GMT -5
Cheers peeps Do like the 'within' dunno why I didnt think of that S2 started out to be a tanka...but I couldnt make it work proper :/ as for the missing dim light bulb LF...in a way it isnt lol, you already seen the image within the write
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Post by lewis82 on Aug 4, 2015 4:24:36 GMT -5
The last one was defintely my favorite. All too often, we replace real social life with artificial..but it becomes nothing more than a ssecurity blanket.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 5, 2015 22:45:52 GMT -5
It can be a prison. Ever get hooked on an MMO? I got hooked on Battlefield 1942. When I realized I was blowing off real people to make my online gaming appointments it was time to quit. It’s cool meeting people on line, I have met some really GREAT ones, but real life should always come first. Sometimes it is real though. I can think of more than one couple who ended up married, one of them met here, and I get a lot of advice and procedures from all kinds of web sites that help me do things like fix my car, create art, manage my meds, and at least a hundred other things. At my old job I had to look things up constantly to keep up with new technology so it can be our bread and butter too. On the social aspect, well, I spend a lot of time here and that is probably only half my one line time. I never feel secure though. Sigh! I need something real and should be out there looking for it but it doesn’t take long to explore a town you can walk across in ten minutes.
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