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Post by Aish on Mar 26, 2015 0:39:53 GMT -5
My body is a land of milk and honey.
Untamed maybe, still a little wild I cannot lead you to the extra portions of manna falling on the downy hills before Shabbos.
But there are mysteries here.
Enough ash to blanket the earth receives rain with gentleness; do not be afraid to take the tunnels left in the shamir's wake. Their shade leads to diamond fields, formed where brokenness married moonlight.
Motion, I am rotation. Sun, I am the Moon. Unstung, I await.
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My body is a land of milk and honey. Untamed maybe, still a little wild I cannot lead you to the extra portions of manna falling on the downy hills before Shabbos.
But there are mysteries here.
Enough ash to blanket the earth receives the rain with gentleness; do not be afraid to take the shamir tunnels. They lead to diamonds, where brokenness married moonlight.
Motion, I am rotation. Sun, I am the Moon. Unstung, I wait.
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Post by fourtimefelon on Mar 26, 2015 12:40:32 GMT -5
I must say that every time I read the products of your mind, I find it difficult to offer anything except for my praise. This piece seems to me almost a companion to 'Onomatopoeia.' Whereas the latter is a darker questioning of these feelings, this is writ with a positive air of decisiveness. Where you were '...ticking. And tocking. And time bomb-ombing.', now you simply are. "But there are mysteries here." A simple statement that exhales your acceptance of that fact, no more are you spiraling in your own contemplations. A question? What is a 'Shamir tunnel'? Googled the hell out of this out found some people but nothing about a tunnel.
Now, as far as critical observations, I felt that 'They lead to diamonds, where brokenness married moonlight.' was striking visually. Perhaps 'They lead to diamond fields, and the moonlit marriage of brokenness.'? And I believe the final word of the poem, 'wait' would resonate better if you made it 'await'. I enjoy your material, thank you.
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Post by Aish on Mar 26, 2015 14:41:37 GMT -5
I think you're correct about it being a companion piece. It wasn't consciously planned out, but I think my subconscious knows what it's doing . A shamir tunnel would be made by a shamir worm. Jewish tradition says Moses used the shamir to engrave Hoshen stones and Solomon used a shamir to make his temple, though scholars have differing opinions on whether shamir was a worm or a substance. It had the ability to cut through stone, iron, and diamonds. One legend says Solomon was given the shamir by Asmodeus,the demon king. I think I'll work that bit out a little, and see if it helps the piece. I will also put a version up with your suggestion of "await". I'm wondering though if doing so will turn it in to an antecedent.
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Post by Aish on Mar 26, 2015 14:53:20 GMT -5
The second version is up. I tried to incorporate your suggestions. Thank you, for being an astute reader.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 27, 2015 17:21:18 GMT -5
I this. Your opening is remarkably provocative. I like the revisions. I'm not a fan of the word "await" because I seldom see a proper use for it but it works here. And the " shamir's wake" revision is a nice touch. Your ending packs a hell of a punch. I'm deeply moved on a very personal level. Thanks
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Post by fourtimefelon on Mar 27, 2015 18:01:05 GMT -5
You killed it, I think it's awesome. Also, your avatar is the bee's knees.
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