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Post by 12746825 on Mar 3, 2015 16:59:53 GMT -5
Decades have passed
Since that February day.
Your smile and kind wave,
As your grandpa pulled away.
My heart raced,
My head felt light.
An overwhelming joy
I could not fight.
That I might know you,
I hoped and prayed,
That you might feel the same,
That I might not fade.
On a bench,
An angel by my side,
With chords and notes,
So kind to abide.
Unrelenting,
The years march on.
Yet time is frozen,
Nothing is gone.
I see your smile,
Your sweet embrace,
The feeling of your cheek
Against my face.
Years will mount,
Hair will gray,
Strength will wane,
And quietly slip away.
But long after the stars dim
And new worlds are made,
My love will continue
Though memories fade.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 5, 2015 16:05:20 GMT -5
Hi 12746825 and welcome to Dark Star. Please take a look at our posting rules and guidelines here; Posting guidelines - darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/thread/7387/dark-star-poetry-posting-guidelinesand Aish wrote a guideline to give you some idea of the kind of comments we are looking for; Critique guidelines - darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/thread/8521/critiqueThe three to one rule applies to the threads under the “Poetry” heading of our home page only. We have many areas where the rule doesn’t apply. Take your time and get to know your way around. It can be confusing at first but feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Just click on “LonelyForsaken” over my avatar on the left and then click on “Send Message.” We know that giving critique is difficult at first and we relax the rules a bit when you’re new but we do expect some effort. Please don’t worry too much over it. We know it is difficult. Take a look around, get to know some of us, and reading the replies will help you get an idea of the kind of critique we hope to receive. Mine, and some others, can be rather extensive but don’t let that scare you. We don’t expect you to start with a bang. LOL Your poem is a good first offering. It may be a bit generic/cliché but that is a good place to start and it seems well thought out and written. I think you could easily fit it into a traditional four line quatrain and make it even more appealing to the writer. Rhyming just fits the quatrain so well. I love the long term love theme. It has a soulmate feeling at the end. Our memories fade and we don’t know why we love them so, we just do. thanks for sharing.
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Post by goneghost on Aug 26, 2015 0:37:09 GMT -5
I've never been very good at critique, but I'm making an attempt. There was something here for me, in the way this poem spanned a number of years. I liked the conclusion as an expression of undying love.
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