krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
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Post by krake on Feb 4, 2015 20:28:01 GMT -5
There's a burning in my heart and a pounding in my brain There's a twisting in my belly and a tear stain on my cheek I'm staring at your photo and wishing you were here Your buried in the earth so far away from me
Can you hear me scream Can you hear me cry Are you OK down there Are you OK down there
I cannot clear my head of this reoccurring thought You're scratching on the coffin in the freezing cold You're wondering why I haven't saved you yet You're crying out for anyone who might hear
Can you hear me scream Can you hear me cry Are you OK down there Are you OK down there
I can't bear the thought of you alone down in the dirt I can't bear the thought of you being afraid and confused I want to dig you up and hold you in my arms and tell you it's OK I want to dig you up and tell you it's OK
Can you hear me scream Can you hear me cry Are you OK down there Are you OK down there
There's a burning in my heart and a pounding in my brain The high noon sun is shining bright, I'm drowning in this rain Such a cold wind blowing for a summer day Please tell me I don't have to stay...
Can you hear me scream Can you hear me cry Are you OK down there Is there room for me down there
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 5, 2015 1:09:22 GMT -5
This reminds me of one I tried to write some few years ago. I couldn’t make it very poetic and I don’t think I posted it. It was something I just had to write. *Bro hug*
I like the ending. Those four lines could stand alone.
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Post by pinkie on Feb 5, 2015 2:00:56 GMT -5
hugs...its hard...they say time heals, it really doesnt, it helps memories suppress and then we remember them nice and hard when the times do hit
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Post by twistedangel on Feb 5, 2015 12:15:51 GMT -5
is always a bit weird to say 'i liked this' after somthing so painful an full of angst, an i guess there are no real words of comfort to give, other than i read it, an i feel it
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krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
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Post by krake on Feb 6, 2015 21:06:22 GMT -5
Thanks ya'll. I should spend more time focusing on meter and such but I have a tendency to just blurt out stuff. Thanks for not beating me up over it.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 7, 2015 0:13:07 GMT -5
"I should spend more time focusing on meter and such but I have a tendency to just blurt out stuff." - To be honest, the repetition of "down there" is annoying but… You're starting out here much the same way I did. I kept a lot bottled up inside for a long time and I just needed to say it. At first I didn't care all that much if it appealed to the reader because it was more about what I needed to do. There wasn't anyone around here for a long time and it gave me time to read and learn. I began to appreciate the experiences of others here and realized that even when someone did come around I didn't get many comments on my "writing" because it wasn't very good. It's hard to be objective when your focused on angst. After awhile the comments related to how to make a write appeal to the reader started to make a lot of sense. I even went back to some of those old writes and tried to make them better but it was easier to just make new ones because that angst never really goes away. It just makes it easier to move on by acknowledging it, dealing with it, and realizing that there are others who empathize and understand. It is others who have similar experiences that make us realize we really aren't alone.
"Is there room for me down there" - Poetically, for the most impact you should reserve "down there" for the title and this very last line. It will have much more impact that way. This poem is longer than it needs to be because we need to say it all and don't really know how to get it all out. My short poems have a lot more impact on the reader. On a more personal note; I wanted to always be with her too. I wanted to join her. I wanted to follow her where I knew I could not go.
I don't know if this will help you but… I blamed myself too much for her death. The truth is that she was suicidal when we met and if it wasn't for me she would have left us many years before she did. I couldn't see that until I was willing to talk about it. There is still a lot of hurt but I've quit burdening myself with unwarranted blame. Well, most of it at least. I may still find more but the only good advice I can give is; write about it and talk about it. And as far as wanting to join her goes, I'll get there soon enough. With all this realized I could see my own poetry more objectively and apply what I learned more effectively.
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