Hi Pinkie
and welcome to Dark Star.
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I like your style. This is how most of my writing begins. I just spill it out as it comes to mind but it’s never as good as it could be so I come back to it when I’ve had some sleep and see if I can make it more appealing to the reader. That doesn’t mean I don’t just throw one up raw now and then though. Funny how creativity seems to flow better during those insomnia nights.
I always like to start by giving what I consider the best advice I ever received concerning writing poetry;
“Don’t tell us. Picture an image and describe it the best way you can.” Imagery makes for good poetry but it’s not the only way to appeal to the reader. Your creativity is your own and when it comes to art the rules are really just guidelines. They do help when trying to keep the reader in mind though.
You start with good imagery here IMO. It’s a good opening. The ending should be profound or have a punch of some kind and the body should connect the two in some way. You’ve got a lot of good work to start with here. Personally, I try not to be too wordy and avoid words like the, and, but, I, and basically any word that isn’t descriptive or needed for some good reason. Good poetry is often about implying. Try to leave as much room as you can to let the reader fill in with their own experience. It helps them connect to the read easier. I find spelling and capitalization to be important in making a write easier to read but I’ve noticed a trend to leave off with capitalization lately too. Punctuation is important to rhythm. In my short writs I tend not to use it at all and I stick to short lines that force a pause as the readers eyes move to the next line for rhythm. I’ve found that it’s best to use it properly or not at all. I go back and forth in using it though.
You’ll get mixed reactions on rhyming here. It has been done to death in poetry and done so well so often that it is hard to compete with. I used to do it a lot and it was a hard habit to break. Most of it was really bad too. LOL
The quatrain is one of my favorite forms but it requires rhyming so I don’t use it much anymore unless I feel it is exceptionally well done. I don’t try anymore but some poetry just seems to rhyme naturally and I’ll try to put those in a quatrain or get rid of it altogether.
Being a bit vague can help the reader connect but try to be assertive too. Words like maybe and like don’t paint a clear picture.
These are wide guidelines to help in a general way. I’ll get more specific soon.
This has a capricious quality I like and I find it easy to relate to but it is wordy.
Thanks for sharing
and sorry about your mother
*Hugs*