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Post by Terrah_ko on Nov 28, 2014 15:10:32 GMT -5
I made a new heart, From sandpaper and nails. I’m a walking project, Too heavy for your scales.
My flaws no longer hidden, I thoroughly let them show; I’m so hot and ready, Be careful I might blow.
You keep staring at the stars, Long enough for you to freeze… I don’t have the antidote… To cure addictive dreams.
But this world is harsh, It’s winter so it’s cold, And the story of the future, Will forever be untold.
Summer rain is grey, Under the midnight sun. But your eyes tell a story, That bleed from the horizon.
So I’ll cover up the canvas, This picture has a twist! It’s time for an adventure! If you get my gist.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Dec 3, 2014 18:50:42 GMT -5
This one is difficult to comment on but it's hard to say why that is exactly. I like quatrains but the rhyming feels just a bit forced in a couple of them. There is no obvious better answer to that though. It's good but not great and… saying that makes feel I'm being too critical. I like the opening strophe and the ending. The message and sentiment are clear but it has the feeling of something that just needs to be said. S2 is clever and made me laugh. Overall, I like it, but IDK… like something is missing. Maybe it's just the rhyming.
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Post by Terrah_ko on Dec 6, 2014 13:20:13 GMT -5
When I write my poetry, I have a particular image in my mind with each paragraph. The first paragraph is saying, "Okay, I picked myself back up and put myself back together with a mind set of not being suitable for anyone". Then paragraph two comes in saying "Whatever, this is me, take me as I am or not at all". Paragraph three, four, and five is telling you that someone came into my life that caught my eye like no one else has for reasons that are personal. Final paragraph is me learning to relax and just go with the flow to see where the relationship goes.
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Post by twistedangel on Dec 8, 2014 14:13:50 GMT -5
IMO with a lot of these rhyming poems (an yes am just as guilty)you gotta try an rid the 'sing song' feel they have the story in itself is good, but the sing song style cheapens it slightly, so the real depth this has is skimmed over..if that makes sense i do think S5 is a car crash, sorry but sun with horizon is very forced IMO i liked this, but think it needs some reworking..get the reader to focus on its depth because underneath is a very good story about getting up off your knees and taking back control
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