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Post by windfog on Nov 2, 2014 6:08:29 GMT -5
Here you tore apart your thoughts and rage. Impressed. W.F.
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Post by Aish on Nov 2, 2014 12:34:30 GMT -5
Mouth full of shrapnel is the strongest line, and it speaks volumes. I suggest building the piece around it. It is a wonderfully poetic line in a sea of prose.
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Post by Aish on Nov 2, 2014 16:52:22 GMT -5
Among other things, yes
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Post by markusmagellus on Nov 5, 2014 21:04:54 GMT -5
I don't have anything to compare this version with, but I really like from " My echoes shatter" to the end.
A few small suggestions for the final strophe :
Mouth full of shrapnel, eyes spilling truth I spew blood and babble....
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