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Post by krourya on Oct 29, 2014 13:44:24 GMT -5
...and so I walk away, from all the tears; the chains that bound me to the flesh and breath of lifeless heartbeats.
And so here I lie waiting to be taken nowhere to run each step in a new direction back to the sunset days.
And so come forth whisk me away from this suffering for I betray my being dying in the guise of living so come forth..and set me free
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Post by Bastet on Oct 29, 2014 15:17:57 GMT -5
Hi, krourya. Welcome to DS.
Leading off with "... and so" leaves the impression of a monologue in progress. It's not necessarily an effective opening. The repetition of it didn't work for me either. "For I betray my being" sounds over dramatic and antiquated. I dig the self suffering vibe, but most of the presentation is cliche.
Kudos to you for jumping right in. I'm happy to make your acquaintance and look forward to more of your work.
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Post by goldfinch on Oct 29, 2014 18:27:45 GMT -5
Taunting death? It's a lament I can relate to.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 29, 2014 23:44:35 GMT -5
Hi Krourya and welcome to Dark Star. I love the ending but I think the lead in is a bit more than it needs to be. Sometimes less is more and that last strophe says it very well. Trim the story telling aspect and state it factually and... Eg; "The chains that bind me; flesh and breath, lifeless heartbeats, each step in a new direction back to sunset days. Whisk me away from this suffering for I betray my being dying in the guise of living. So come forth and set me free." I relate deeply. Wish I wrote it.
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Nabi
Crimson Soul
Posts: 115
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Post by Nabi on Nov 12, 2014 21:52:56 GMT -5
Welcome to the world of DS! I think that "set me free" is a work of feeling. Though, there could be a little more feeling and flow. I really like it though! Happy writing!
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Post by twistedangel on Nov 15, 2014 3:43:32 GMT -5
Oh i love the lead in "...and so" already has me mind thinking about wot went on before but i would remove the "And" from the other stanzas cos by keeping it going it lessens the first..erm if that makes sense welcome BTW
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Post by goneghost on Aug 26, 2015 1:20:41 GMT -5
Each stanza here allowed some relation. I found this to be written in an approachable style. The "lifeless heartbeats" are the cold-hearted, or those who deny feeling. "Here I lie" evokes surrender, then a looking back on the "sunset days." The last part could be interpreted differently. For me it was an ineffectual "come forth" to ease a suffering. Crying out to no avail.
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