krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
|
Post by krake on Oct 28, 2014 20:18:48 GMT -5
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
|
|
|
Post by Aish on Oct 28, 2014 23:15:06 GMT -5
I think starring in your opening line was probably meant to be staring.
This feels unfinished. The opening strophe uses long lines and contains a lot of information. S2 sounds like a refrain or chorus, but then S3 completely peters out. Ending on " throw my ashes in the trash" was an utter let down.
|
|
|
Post by Aish on Oct 28, 2014 23:16:47 GMT -5
* Pour not throw. Apologies.
|
|
|
Post by twistedangel on Oct 29, 2014 1:45:12 GMT -5
reckon you should shorten each line into 2 lines i like this overall tho..its very shortness kinda ties in with 'lifes to short' gotta agree with Aish tho..the end line needs somthing punchier actually i just thought it 'fizzled out' like a dissapointing roman candle...hmm maybe like life it does just fizzle out so maybe the dissapointing end is fitting ?
|
|
|
Post by windfog on Oct 29, 2014 2:31:31 GMT -5
Hi! Very good piece! If you'll accept ladies advices - it will be great, to my mind! W.F.
|
|
krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
|
Post by krake on Oct 29, 2014 16:08:40 GMT -5
the unfinished life is reflected in the unfinished write.
|
|
|
Post by Bastet on Oct 30, 2014 23:26:24 GMT -5
Have I missed the party? Krake, you ok, mate?
|
|