Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 24, 2014 0:23:35 GMT -5
You paint your images with blurred strokes. Be more assertive/direct/concrete.
This is an example of what I mean by using sharper brush strokes to paint a poetic image and is not meant in any way to be the penultimate of this write. That is ultimately up to you to decide.
“Equal to pillows” –
Equal to what? We haven’t read about rocks yet. Start with a clear image; “Pillows”, and expand on that image.
“of rocks you spit on?” – “of” is unnecessary and you are still constructing an image so it doesn’t weren’t a question mark.
“The same in which” – is “in which” necessary or descriptive? It's wonky.
"I use for sleep." - Is ok.
S2 is right on. The question mark is necessary but you should capitalize “Walking.” The statements are so closely related I wouldn’t break it up quite so much though.
“I been free to
roam ever since, “ – these two lines need to be considered together. Proper English dictates that you should have started with “I’ve” but that would change the present tense that we are in and I have a problem with “ever since.” Ever since what? We didn’t open with an event or indicate in any way a change. I want to condense it to “I am free to roam.”
“these streets don't define me,”- if we split this line in two “these streets” takes on a sort of double meaning as a continuation of “I am free to roam” and a precursor to “don't define me.” Placing “don't define me” on its own line also gives it a pleading aspect as in, well, “don't define me.”
“though I do wander about on Prince...” - The end should tie it all up profoundly. I think you’ve done that here.
Then we read what we have come up with paying attention to rhythm and flow.
Pillows,
rocks you spit on.
The same I use for sleep.
You dare look down on me?
Walking through my mansion
made endless.
I am free to roam
these streets
don't define me.
Though I do wander about on Prince...
It goes well until the last strophe. Though I like “these streets” connecting the previous and next lines as it does the rhythm sucks. So…
I am free to roam,
these streets don't define me,
though I do wander about on Prince...
All things considered I didn’t change it much but it paints a crisper image. I want to make another suggestion though. S2 seems like it should say a bit more. An answer to the question kind of thing. Eg;
“You dare look down on me?
Walking through my mansion
made endless
then look again.”
Also, you might consider swapping S1 and S2 around. The question in S2 would make a captivating opening.
This is an example of what I mean by using sharper brush strokes to paint a poetic image and is not meant in any way to be the penultimate of this write. That is ultimately up to you to decide.
“Equal to pillows” –
Equal to what? We haven’t read about rocks yet. Start with a clear image; “Pillows”, and expand on that image.
“of rocks you spit on?” – “of” is unnecessary and you are still constructing an image so it doesn’t weren’t a question mark.
“The same in which” – is “in which” necessary or descriptive? It's wonky.
"I use for sleep." - Is ok.
S2 is right on. The question mark is necessary but you should capitalize “Walking.” The statements are so closely related I wouldn’t break it up quite so much though.
“I been free to
roam ever since, “ – these two lines need to be considered together. Proper English dictates that you should have started with “I’ve” but that would change the present tense that we are in and I have a problem with “ever since.” Ever since what? We didn’t open with an event or indicate in any way a change. I want to condense it to “I am free to roam.”
“these streets don't define me,”- if we split this line in two “these streets” takes on a sort of double meaning as a continuation of “I am free to roam” and a precursor to “don't define me.” Placing “don't define me” on its own line also gives it a pleading aspect as in, well, “don't define me.”
“though I do wander about on Prince...” - The end should tie it all up profoundly. I think you’ve done that here.
Then we read what we have come up with paying attention to rhythm and flow.
Pillows,
rocks you spit on.
The same I use for sleep.
You dare look down on me?
Walking through my mansion
made endless.
I am free to roam
these streets
don't define me.
Though I do wander about on Prince...
It goes well until the last strophe. Though I like “these streets” connecting the previous and next lines as it does the rhythm sucks. So…
I am free to roam,
these streets don't define me,
though I do wander about on Prince...
All things considered I didn’t change it much but it paints a crisper image. I want to make another suggestion though. S2 seems like it should say a bit more. An answer to the question kind of thing. Eg;
“You dare look down on me?
Walk
made endless
then look again.”
Also, you might consider swapping S1 and S2 around. The question in S2 would make a captivating opening.