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So Pale
Oct 22, 2014 6:11:52 GMT -5
Post by windfog on Oct 22, 2014 6:11:52 GMT -5
Shit! Some lines made my skin to be "goose"! Shit! I'm wrong - all piece is a magic work! R.Y.
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So Pale
Oct 22, 2014 14:15:07 GMT -5
Post by Bastet on Oct 22, 2014 14:15:07 GMT -5
A few spelling errors and I would like to see your flow cleaned up a little. Other than that, this is erotic, lush, and enviable. I will read again.
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So Pale
Oct 23, 2014 3:19:30 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 23, 2014 3:19:30 GMT -5
I agree with Bastet. I need to get to bed but here are my suggestions summed up quickly;
“Staring into green eyes… I sip.
Palette in hand, puddles of shade, I lay brush strokes. Black and white posses across her shoulder blades.
Stretched wings drip grape vines buzzing down her narrow spine.
Placing, slowly, a damp slit fruit inside her red garden. She offers me wine.
Intoxicated by my own design never to come alive.
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So Pale
Oct 31, 2014 0:13:28 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by nibbana on Oct 31, 2014 0:13:28 GMT -5
Erotic and silky. This is a gem.
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So Pale
Nov 2, 2014 15:56:28 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Aish on Nov 2, 2014 15:56:28 GMT -5
This is delicious. I could vividly see this scene play out as I was reading. The sensuality is enviable, as Bastet said.
I want to play with your rhythm and create little ripples with it. "Possess" is niggling at me a little bit. The use in thought is superb because it relates to both the paint as well as the object of your affection. However, I think it could be more effective if you finessed it a little.
Palette in hand I posses puddles of shades; laying brush strokes of black and white across angelic shoulder blades
stretched wings dripping, grape vines bussing down her narrow spine. I slowly slip damp fruit inside her red garden as she offers me wine...
I sip. Staring into green eyes, intoxicated by my own design
never meant to come alive.
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Post by Aish on Nov 3, 2014 17:12:08 GMT -5
Work shopping is my favorite part. Well, aside from the buzz I get while creating.
Any chance this is a real painting and we'll get to see it?
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Post by markusmagellus on Nov 5, 2014 20:47:35 GMT -5
The penultimate strophe could use a period. I do think your final line needs an additional word, it throws the rhythm off.
Very nice piece.
The work shop environment isn't about someone else's version, it's about getting feedback from peers. You are under no obligation to take the advice offered, but if you do it doesn't mean someone else over- wrote your work, they simply helped you hone it.
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So Pale
Nov 6, 2014 2:23:28 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Bastet on Nov 6, 2014 2:23:28 GMT -5
Post them, Jag! We wanna see I myself have zero drawing or painting ability. But I love looking at other peoples stuff.
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