mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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Post by mee on Aug 18, 2014 8:05:10 GMT -5
an overbearing feeling a vein of something more minds must play with fire if we will ever find the cure thoughts must pull ourselves away back from this unreal a picture being painted no f*cker wants to feel
i know my truth , i'll guess at yours we all know there's a lie we see it , trapped around us but these days , who believes thier eyes can just about believe the sky when it chooses rain or not how many things do you believe that we have never got
i believe in everyone everyone unseen see no individual too close to me you feel the very breath of skin lipped words the shake of something broke belief is nothing short of something not getting the joke
joke is it's so easy to live without this greed live without destruction find the love we need all tuned to different chanels in all a different place ruined our minds with money trying to win the race need to shut our f*cking face we overbear this endless waste cracking thoughts in aggled space
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 19, 2014 17:04:40 GMT -5
I like it, it hits close to home. A bit wordy (long) IMO. I’ll come back with better critique.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 23, 2014 16:47:52 GMT -5
I recommend deleting a few lines and combining S2 and S3 into one strophe. S2, L5 through L8 aren’t necessary and the wording is a bit wonky. The first four lines in the strophe say it well. I don’t see the need for “everyone unseen” right after “i believe in everyone”. Add an “I” to “see no individual”. “belief is nothing short of something not getting the joke”Move “something” up to the previous line where it belongs so the thought is not hanging so much. It makes “not getting the joke” easier on the tongue too. Remove “joke” from S4, L1. You don’t need it because S3 ends with the same word. “all tuned to different chanels (Spelling - channels) "in all a different place” (swap “in” and “all” – all in a different place) “ruined our minds with money trying to win the race need to shut our f*cking face (Face is out of place. Maybe mouths) we overbear this endless waste cracking thoughts in aggled space” (aggled?) Love the last line but race, face, waste, and space? Forced rhyming. I’ve been seeing a lot of this no capitalization format and maybe it’s just me but I don’t like it and conclude I never will. Love the poem though
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