mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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Post by mee on Aug 8, 2014 7:32:17 GMT -5
Trees fell to the howls climb higher show more bones to the skin of man there is no best friend when the muscles waste and the home appears more gone and rocks than plains and cover join the Tiger with the Eagle heading upland mountain top living good for the cabins not for the pack
Be with the Sky where natures future lies in the eyes man forgets with all when and false remembers there will be no padprinted recalls no eyes in the Trees to wonder on no chase leaving breath to the cold winds vortex broken by the tails of those who will never come after
man howls fall
and the Trees go to the ghosts of silence where the nothing we create remains for us and us alone snow dead cubs of the Wolf'less dens THE WORLD IS ours
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 8, 2014 17:37:36 GMT -5
Wolf cry. I like it. I’ll come back when I can give this some real consideration but at a quick glance I see a good poem and appreciate its message. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 9, 2014 3:02:25 GMT -5
A few suggestions; L1 – “fell” should be fall to stay consistently in the present tense. Use the word “the” more sparingly. When painting an image with words less is more. It feels less like telling and frees the reader’s imagination a bit more. Part of the art of poetry is implying instead of telling. L6 and L7 - Don’t use run-ons. And, and, (and), and is annoying in all writing. Eg; Trees fall to the howls climb higher show more bones to the skin of man (You’re painting an image. I don’t see the relevance of “show” here)there is no best friend when the muscles waste and the home appears more gone and (You could keep “and” at the start of this line but I proffer crisp strokes)rocks than plains and cover (Not sure you need this line. It’s confusing)join the Tiger with the Eagle (Crisp strokes again)(You should begin the next strophe here. The subject and image changes.)Heading upland mountain top living good for the cabins not for the pack (To) Be with the Sky where natures future lies in the eyes (keep the closely related brush strokes together when possible)man forgets with all when and false remembers there will be no padprinted recalls no eyes in the Trees to wonder on no chase leaving breath to the cold winds vortex broken by the tails of those who will never come after Man howls fall and the Trees go to the ghosts of silence where the nothing we create remains for us and us alone snow dead cubs of the Wolf'less dens THE WORLD IS ours I love the controversial feel relating to “Might makes right” this leaves me with. As the dominant species the world is ours to do with as we please but how far will we go to prove it? Are we stupid enough to kill the planet and inadvertently ourselves? Poetic justice? Kill everything and then die alone? Nice one Me. Again, thanks for sharing.
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mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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Post by mee on Aug 18, 2014 7:10:11 GMT -5
yes that line should of been , home appears more gone and rocks , than plains and cover , not sure now i put the rocks on the line below , but yes i can see what you are saying about missing some words out i have been trying to do that with some writing , but yes we are the wrong in the World as a whole mostly , got to learn soon what we are losing ourselves with killing haven't we , thank you LonelyForsaken :_)
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