mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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Post by mee on Jul 29, 2014 6:45:58 GMT -5
linked in a laterally running out line times hooked up patients fine it's doing not bad for the distance stepped it tried counting down but it MUST be kept coz we might be ready but we sure ain't fit there's no way we've got our f====n heads wrapped round this all still playing on the monkey bars chimped out primates lookin at stars inspected samples seeking souls every f====n one of us growing old
dipped in shit just lickin our lips we taste of greed and hypocrites we look a little better than what we are sh=tt=n in the wind from a plauged out car driven down life backed up , sped on the links worn thin in the shuffling con countdown stopped in the whisper of one position ,,,,, here result ,,,,, near gone times on a break but it won't be long
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Post by Veritas on Jul 31, 2014 13:08:07 GMT -5
The forced rhyme and broken lines are distracting, ones tongue stumbles aloud and so to in mind. Warnings should be practical. -LMS
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mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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Post by mee on Aug 1, 2014 6:33:36 GMT -5
i know , i am not up on the technical side of writng , just try and write it and hope the words get through the shape of it ,i think it works better if you read it faster sort of in one breathe , that is sort of how i write sometimes ty :_)
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Post by Bastet on Aug 1, 2014 12:30:16 GMT -5
The "technical side of writing" comes with critique and practice. That's the main reason I find this site valuable, because the members (readers) point out what works and what doesn't work for them. It helps me turn my passion into a skill.
I have a hard time getting through this because of the simplistic rhyme combined with odd syntax. Maybe record yourself reading it and post the recording with the piece.
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