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Post by iconico on Jul 26, 2014 20:03:48 GMT -5
I can not be caught, Only will I struggle as I fought, Your touch and thought. I am the master, reigner of your heart.
I fly my path on thy by and by What are you doing? Don't cry! Only let me scar you, Carve my pain on you. I will do what I do, alone from you.
I will be hurt and betrayed, from the ways I've strayed. What if I had stayed? Neutered and spayed.
Slain pain in the chilly rain, Stain the main grain of my brain. Feign to be sain, to gain, Just to get your kicks again.
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Post by twistedangel on Jul 28, 2014 12:30:23 GMT -5
if am honest i do have a few issues with this first is the line "Only will I struggle as I fought," it just dont read right...do you mean will as in your own will power? maybe ' Will struggled, as I fought' you then finish S1 saying you are the master but then go on to say at the end she is the one playing you S2L2 "What are you doing? Don't cry!" ermm yeah would like to know meself to neutered or spayed unless you is transgender is either one or the other lol I know I can be guilty of forced rhyme but S4 if am honest even made me cringe a bit overall I found this a bit to vague to get anything out of it soz this sounds bad for your first crit on here an deffo dont take it to heart...is still probly better than me own first attempts
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 28, 2014 13:56:07 GMT -5
Hello and welcome Iconico Please take a look at our rules and guidelines here; darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/thread/7387/dark-star-poetry-posting-guidelinesAish wrote a helpful guide for critique here; darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/thread/8521/critiqueBoth can be found in Info & Support. Don't worry about it too much, we know it is difficult to get started, so we relax the rules a bit for new members, but opening with so many offers in "Poetry" is a brave beginning by any standard. Technically you owe us 14 critiques as you have only made one as of this post. A daunting task for even a seasoned veteran. BTW the three to one rule only applies to threads under the "Poetry" board where we strive to help each other improve our poems and writing skills. I pick this poem to comment on for a few reasons; I agree with everything Angel says, of all five this is your best (IMO), it has some structure, and it reminds me of how I started here. Sometimes we just need to spill it out and say what we feel. That is always a good start but if we want to be read often we need to keep the reader in mind too. Take a look around, get familiar with some of us, and read. Reading poetry is one of the best ways to learn how to write it. Reading the comments will help you find better ways to express yourself through poetry. IMO giving critique is the best way to learn and make it stick. It forces us to really think on what we like, don't like, and why. But one of the most helpful comments I ever read on writing poetry went something like this; "Don't tell us. Picture an image and describe it the best you can." Imagery makes some of the best poetry but should not be limited to it either. Don't limit yourself with rhyming either. Also, focus an one or two topics/things. All five offerings are so all encompassing/scattered that I can't decide what your message is. You contradict yourself often too. And pay attention to your tenses. "Only will I struggle as I fought," is wonky because the timeline is not possible. I hope this doesn’t sound too critical but I see lots of room for improvement and this is what we strive for here. Take a look around, make some comments, and above all have some fun with it.
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