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Post by Aish on Jun 10, 2014 5:40:59 GMT -5
v.2
Thunder grumbles in my stomach almost louder, certainly more insistent than clouds gathering across the yielding sky.
I pretend God hung them there with clothespins.
Kneading ashes into the days dough I treat it as a tithe though I've not pinched any off.
The pennies in a jar by the door catch my eye.
So many little disks.
So many little lies that we become and twist about to believe because the believing is easier that way. We are not dying.
Or so I whisper to the ash as it succumbs to my hands and forgets the oven.
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v.1
Thunder grumbles in my stomach almost louder, certainly more insistent than clouds gathering across the yielding sky.
I pretend God hung them there with clothespins
kneading ashes into the days dough treating it as a tithe though I've not pinched any off
and the pennies in the jar by the door catch my eye.
So many little disks.
So many little lies that we become and twist about to believe because the believing is easier that way. We are not dying.
Or so I whisper to the ash as it succumbs to my hands and forgets the oven.
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krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
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Treason
Jun 10, 2014 6:29:46 GMT -5
Post by krake on Jun 10, 2014 6:29:46 GMT -5
Thunder grumbles in my stomach almost louder, certainly more insistent than clouds gathering across the yielding sky.
I pretend God hung them there with clothespins
kneading ashes into the days dough treating it as a tithe though I've not pinched any off
and the pennies in the jar by the door catch my eye.
So many little disks.
So many little lies that we become and twist about to believe because the believing is easier that way. We are not dying.
Or so I whisper to the ash as it succumbs to my hands and forgets the oven.
You really did a great job with this. I'm impressed. I'm trying to put words to my thoughts but I just can't. Hopefully I can offer a worthy review this evening...but this is a great piece.
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Treason
Jun 10, 2014 12:18:37 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jun 10, 2014 12:18:37 GMT -5
Thank you, Krake. The third strophe is bugging me so I'm going to play around with it a bit.
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krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
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Post by krake on Jun 10, 2014 16:40:22 GMT -5
It seems out of place at first glance but it quickly comes clear how you see all the "little disks" and then compare them to all the "little lies," and it makes perfect sense.
I really think the work is perfect.
You very skillfully danced around a subject, leaving room for the readers interpretation, while bringing everything together clearly. The piece really makes me feel inadequate as a novice poet.
Well done.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 10, 2014 18:43:30 GMT -5
Don't feel bad Krake, I've been learning from her for (how many?) years now and she will always amaze me. Especially with her word choices and imagery. It is difficult to feel worthy of giving constructive critique to anyone we feel is a master at what we are just beginning to learn but I always try. It isn’t so much that I believe my suggestions are any better read than the original writing but more because she gives us so much, has helped me improve immensely, and I have learned that just thinking deeply about how the work of another might be improved really helps me remember those aspects of writing when I'm pouring out my own slop.
I think the problem you're having with the third strophe is that you want the pinching to transition into the pennies more smoothly. Though it reads well as is the rhythm is a bit off. I think placing "pinched pennies" together is most effective here. The only other suggestion I can think of is the ending.
"… kneading ashes into the days dough treating it as a tithe though I've not pinched any off
and the pennies in the jar by the door catch my eye."
So many little disks.
So many little lies that we become and twist about to believe because the believing is easier that way. We are not dying. ( I see two possibilities for this line); "is easier that way. We are not dying."
Or
"is easier that way. We are not dying."
In the last strophe I want to change the order of the delivery. Partly to place the hands that mold the lie at the very end and partly because I believe it is easier to succumb after forgetting.
"Or so I whisper to the ash as it succumbs to my hands and forgets the oven."
Becomes; "Or so I whisper to the ash as it forgets the oven and succumbs to my hands."
Awesome write Aish.
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Post by twistedangel on Jun 11, 2014 13:04:53 GMT -5
well after the 4th read miss thicko here thought 'sod it' an PMd Aish to explain it glad I did cos otherwise it would still be meaningless to meself S1 I got ...love the wording an imagery "I pretend God hung them there with clothespins." first thoughts...pffft wotever..but thats me own relationship with god, forcing meself to put on a grownups head an accepting it...wow a beautiful image the rest Aish had to explain about the kneading ash etc an how it ties in to the oven knowing this now has changed me original idea of the disc like little lies...maybe not really lies more just ignoring the inevitable...an why not? wot I do like is how ash is already dead being used as the living thats ignoring the oven(death) Now thats F clever
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mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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Post by mee on Jul 29, 2014 7:10:59 GMT -5
i got life going and not being , ain't no answer lookin up but what we tell ourselves is up there maybe , but yeah i wouldn't of thought to ask what the metaphores were ,i was thinking , hours , glad angel asked coz the death explaination makes more sense , the bread ain't cooked but there ain't many slices left , mostly :_)
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Post by Aish on Mar 5, 2016 1:04:03 GMT -5
I'm thankful for the feedback.
LF, I'll send a little time playing with those lines and see if I can improve them.
Right now I'm trying to wrap my head around how many pieces I wrote about death/trying to avoid it in 2014 and 2015, before I knew for real. Mind f*ck.
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