eve
Dark Initiate
Posts: 4
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Post by eve on Apr 23, 2014 6:53:40 GMT -5
monkey bastard bitches
f*ck you, eva lundgren, shove you're ROKS up - your arse -
feminism my arse, no really, my bottom produces better - feminist theories -
than the lunacy you destroyed feminism with, ever will be you, and you're army of idiot c*nts, also know as roks'as... - destroyed feminism -
you bitch...
i f*cking hate stupid people, they destroy everything... here, monkey faux feminists, have a banana, stupid... - no really -
someone give those bitches a banana, please... - yes -
by banana i also mean a penis...
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Post by Veritas on Apr 23, 2014 10:36:26 GMT -5
It appears you have a bit of an axe here... to grind that is. After an assault like that. Black comedy, sharp sarcastic satire, an anti-fem, FEM... I'm interested but perplexed. Here I was thinking humanity had at the very least caught up with the idea, and though head way has been made, like racism the struggle will be for all time. I marvel at the factions of the civil rights movement, a thousand pieces would better server one another's goals if they came together. But then ... so would the entire human race.
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eve
Dark Initiate
Posts: 4
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Post by eve on Apr 23, 2014 12:13:11 GMT -5
thank you for reading and commenting...
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Post by Aish on Apr 25, 2014 1:35:09 GMT -5
Welcome to Dark Star, Eve. Please acquaint yourself with our posting guidelines which can be found here darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/thread/7387/dark-star-poetry-posting-guidelinesAs a poem, or even prose, this could use some finesse. You make some very pointed, angry statements without a good sense of rhythm or description. There is an old adage when it comes to writing: show, don't tell. You do an awful lot of telling here. Your final statement is erroneous. You don't really need to explain your use of banana, and the explanation detracts from tying it into your opening angry statement.
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eve
Dark Initiate
Posts: 4
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Post by eve on Apr 25, 2014 3:37:06 GMT -5
Welcome to Dark Star, Eve. Please acquaint yourself with our posting guidelines which can be found here darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/thread/7387/dark-star-poetry-posting-guidelinesAs a poem, or even prose, this could use some finesse. You make some very pointed, angry statements without a good sense of rhythm or description. There is an old adage when it comes to writing: show, don't tell. You do an awful lot of telling here. Your final statement is erroneous. You don't really need to explain your use of banana, and the explanation detracts from tying it into your opening angry statement. thank you for warning me to stay clear of a place where a jealous, catty person that doesn't know superb poetry whens she reads it is in power, lol this is an excellent poem, and your comment only shows me your poor understanding, it says nothing about the quality of my poetry... i will peak into your work out of curiosity, i do not expect to find much talent or originality there...
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eve
Dark Initiate
Posts: 4
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Post by eve on Apr 25, 2014 3:44:34 GMT -5
i stand corrected, you're scribblings are not bad for a mediocre, arrogant bitch - that thinks she owns poetry...what makes it boring for me is - your pieces are too abstract, and you use way too much metaphors - in other words, you try too hard - and also, for gods sake, i do not care for 3 version of everything...
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Post by twistedangel on Apr 25, 2014 6:46:42 GMT -5
I read an angry rant...an as angry rants go is pretty good
but without any basis of anything in particular that is all it is so after reading am just left thinking...ermm so what?
without any substance or depth theres no way to feel any empathy towards it the venomomous anger is written well...but thats all it is
Give us reasons an counter arguments
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Post by Veritas on Apr 25, 2014 10:38:23 GMT -5
Tone your shit down now EVE, we give and take critique here, all of us.
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Post by Bastet on Apr 25, 2014 12:23:04 GMT -5
monkey bastard bitches
f*ck you, eva lundgren, shove you're ROKS up This line is out of tone with the one above it. In your opening you make a 3 word phrase, or is it accusation? Then you waft in here with an angry journal entry. - your arse - Are the dashes used as isolation necessary here?
feminism my arse, no really, my bottom produces better Arse again, two lines in a row. Is that necessary? If your bottom produces anything other than average everyday poo, you should be rolling in dough and notoriety. Again, a very basal, juvenile slur against someone who probably has no idea you exist. - feminist theories - Here you've used dashes once again to highlight your bunny eared quotation.
than the lunacy you destroyed feminism with, ever will be you, and you're army of idiot c*nts, also know as roks'as... Does cursing in your rant that you are trying to present as poetry make you feel powerful? I have nothing against strong language, but c*nt is a whole other level of hijacked femininity. I am wondering if you are even a woman, or just posing as one. - destroyed feminism -
you bitch... Again, blatant vitriolic statements aimed at a very particular someone makes this a rant, a journal entry.
i f*cking hate stupid people, they destroy everything... here, monkey faux feminists, have a banana, stupid... - no really -
someone give those bitches a banana, please... - yes -
by banana i also mean a penis... If you really feel the need to overtly explain yourself in this line then you either feel your audience is too stupid to grasp the banana reference, or you're still in your novitiate stage as a writer. The last 3 strophes are repetitive and mostly unnecessary.
Welcome to DS, Eve. We do consider this a constructive community. You obviously don't have to take the advice offered to you, but you are expected to become a contributing member and give other poets feedback. My critique isn't meant as mean spirited, just honest. We aren't a vanity site here. Here are a couple of links for you that you might find helpful if you aren't used to the model of giving and receiving constructive criticism www.pigpenpoetry.com/ and www.everypoet.org/pffa/
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Post by Aish on Apr 25, 2014 12:51:15 GMT -5
Welcome to Dark Star, Eve. Please acquaint yourself with our posting guidelines which can be found here darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/thread/7387/dark-star-poetry-posting-guidelinesAs a poem, or even prose, this could use some finesse. You make some very pointed, angry statements without a good sense of rhythm or description. There is an old adage when it comes to writing: show, don't tell. You do an awful lot of telling here. Your final statement is erroneous. You don't really need to explain your use of banana, and the explanation detracts from tying it into your opening angry statement. thank you for warning me to stay clear of a place where a jealous, catty person that doesn't know superb poetry whens she reads it is in power, lol this is an excellent poem, and your comment only shows me your poor understanding, it says nothing about the quality of my poetry... i will peak into your work out of curiosity, i do not expect to find much talent or originality there... Ah, I see what happened, you meant to post your piece and reply to me here darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/thread/8442/bad-angsty-poetry but got lost by mistake.
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Post by nibbana on Apr 25, 2014 14:12:26 GMT -5
You say "this is an excellent poem, and your comment only shows me your poor understanding, it says nothing about the quality of my poetry..."Ok, so aside from your attack on a fellow poet, I will stay away from. But your statement that your work is "excellent". Ok, good for you, you write "excellent" work, so why does someone's opinion bother you? If you do not want feedback just accolades, maybe you do not need to hone your craft. Good for you, you are the next Pulitzer prize winner for poetry.
Vijay Seshadri won that prize this year. Here is some of his work www.poetryfoundation.org/bio/vijay-seshadri#about How does your piece, so excellent and mighty, compare to this peer-reviewed excellent work?
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LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Post by LSD on May 24, 2014 19:40:51 GMT -5
Wow!! I actually enjoyed this.
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Post by Veritas on May 26, 2014 21:00:17 GMT -5
She only posted once it's a shame really... or a sham
-LMS
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