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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2014 14:54:03 GMT -5
Scarlet, and detached you leave the room:
a butterfly lands on the cracked riverbed
feeds, repeats and lays down to die.
God fingers the chrysalis stalling rumours with decay
whispers a prayer in feckless denial
of executed creation, puritan deed.
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Post by Bastet on Apr 15, 2014 18:09:44 GMT -5
Mmmmm, welcome welcome! I see you came to play. Mwuahahahahaha.
Seriously though, you have great style, Audeamus. I'm blown away a little.
[God fingers the chrysalis stalling rumours with decay
whispers a prayer in feckless denial
of executed creation,] this is so elegant and spiritual and feminine... painful, too. Not trying to hijack this thread, but it reminds me very very much of one of our admins, Aish (and not just because she used to go by Chrysalis). I feel like there is a really deep thread here, an umbilicus that ties women together and loops itself into the cycle of universal creation.
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Post by markusmagellus on Apr 15, 2014 19:29:18 GMT -5
Pardon my maleness, but I have failed to grasp the relevance of menstruation in the construct you've presented. I immediately associated the opening two lines and the penultimate line with miscarriage. Your form is delicious, even if I have gotten the message all mixed up. I'm happy to make your poetic acquaintance.
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Post by nibbana on Apr 15, 2014 20:39:27 GMT -5
Your scarlet butterfly kisses the dry cracks... interesting folds in this piece. Blood as nurture but also as refuse. A stalled river, where life has not taken root. For woman we bleed in interruptions and cycles.
I do not fault your style. It is refined.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2014 1:51:08 GMT -5
Pardon my maleness, but I have failed to grasp the relevance of menstruation in the construct you've presented. I immediately associated the opening two lines and the penultimate line with miscarriage. Your form is delicious, even if I have gotten the message all mixed up. I'm happy to make your poetic acquaintance. Hello and thank you for saying what you didn't like about it, I admire that. You have to think of this piece in terms of metaphor. The butterfly section - feeding and repeating, is being human - eating, sleeping, sh*tting and repeating is in terms of the female reproductive cycle. The cracked riverbed was the lining of the uterus at the beginning of a cycle; barren and empty. The chrysalis is of course the egg that is produced during cycle. One of the hard things to realise about ovulation is that every egg is a potential human. Of course, all women don't stand around the toilet every month mourning the loss of life, but there was potential to be something magnificent. Just like a chrysalis - something ugly that turns into a beautiful creature. That's where I was going with this anyway. Hope it helps. And please don't throw up either way haha.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2014 1:54:47 GMT -5
Mmmmm, welcome welcome! I see you came to play. Mwuahahahahaha. Seriously though, you have great style, Audeamus. I'm blown away a little. [God fingers the chrysalis stalling rumours with decay whispers a prayer in feckless denial of executed creation,] this is so elegant and spiritual and feminine... painful, too. Not trying to hijack this thread, but it reminds me very very much of one of our admins, Aish (and not just because she used to go by Chrysalis). I feel like there is a really deep thread here, an umbilicus that ties women together and loops itself into the cycle of universal creation. I'm glad you said that, it was Aish who lead me here, pilfering me from another site. And yes I've come to play the game. That's the problem with the last site I was using, I felt like I had hit a wall and it wasn't allowing me to grow. Like everybody else, I just want to learn more, read more, and get better at what I do. Thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2014 1:57:58 GMT -5
For woman we bleed in interruptions and cycles. I hope your poems are as lyrical as your comments. I will check you out, and thank you for saying so about my style, it's utterly appreciated.
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Post by Aish on Apr 16, 2014 2:33:26 GMT -5
The end of your poem piques my interest. "puritan deed". I'm wondering if it shouldn't be puritanical deed, and trying to lace together what that means. I think the piece could effectively end on the penultimate line.
The main thing that pops into my head with the ending as written is that in many magical traditions menstrual blood is considered powerful and sacred, while in Judeo-Christian and Islamic traditions it is considered unclean. In Islam it is used as a way to segregate women, restricting them from eating with men or even reciting prayers.
I don't think S2 L1 needs to be capitalized. I'm wondering who the 'you' is in S1. At first I associated it as the butterfly,but that didn't pan out. What I think after reading it a few times is the 'you' refers to a man, blushing scarlet and leaving the room as the narrator bleeds. The butterfly is interesting to me for many reasons. To begin with butterflies have quite limited life spans and you are engaging us in snippets of that, as it feeds and repeats and lays down to die. Feminine cycles are short, restricted, repetitive and I can even see some correlation with the chrysalis, as a prepubescent girl has yet to bleed. The caterpillar undergoes metamorphosis in the chrysalis and emerges a butterfly to be subjected to the cycle already mentioned just as a young girl undergoes a metamorphosis as she changes into a young woman. Then of course there is the fact that women bleed without dying every month, and it's a little disconcerting at times how much blood can be shed, especially since blood is so often associated with death. The scarlet opening bleeds into the butterfly in a way. At least for me the butterfly was red and the cracked riverbed had dual meaning for me - both as a literal visual image of parched earth, and as the barren womb a woman eventually becomes.
"Executed creation" is disturbing. On one hand I read it as creation has happened, it is marvelous! This semantic view ties in well with the butterfly. Yet on the other it is sinister, a life not created or a life lost. Honestly S4-6 is wickedly delicious and tugs at a deep truth inside me that I think all women embrace together whether we speak of it or not.
I'm over the moon to read you again.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2014 7:58:58 GMT -5
Aish. Firstly you might have to share with me how to edit my posts, as I agree with some of your grammar points and I would like to change the original post, especially the capital letter suggestions you have pointed out.
The you in S1 refers to the egg, and the room is the womb. That's what I was going for anyway. Puritan deed vs puritanical deed I will indeed have to mull that over with the original idea of the piece. I'm glad you got something out of the end stanzas.
Thank you for ripping me a now lyrical asshole, and I mean that with total sincerity. I've been craving something constructive for months!
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Post by Aish on Apr 16, 2014 11:10:36 GMT -5
Gods I love you <3
To edit the piece click on "edit" right beside "quote" in the upper right hand corner of the original post. It will open your screen so you can change anything you like.
Now that you pointed out that you is the egg it makes sense. I missed the boat, lol.
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Post by markusmagellus on Apr 16, 2014 15:22:20 GMT -5
I appreciate your openness to critique and your explanation.
*gags* - JUST KIDDING! Seriously, I've always been impressed with the amount of gynecological issues woman deal with. It's natural and I'm a grown man, periods don't 'skeer me. Your style in this piece is admirable and I look forward to more of your work.
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Post by Veritas on Apr 25, 2014 10:49:17 GMT -5
A comedian once said: " I won't eat anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die". I heartily disagree, I find you creatures delicious. BTW God should keep his pinche fingers out of lady-parts.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 23, 2015 2:53:16 GMT -5
*BUMP BUMP BUMP*
Veritas, I'm fakking ROLLING reading your comments and Markus'.
AUDEAMUS, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE come back. Pretty pretty pretty pwease with a tampon on top.
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