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Post by psr1257 on Mar 23, 2014 11:31:20 GMT -5
Hell-o, this is my first (in English) "poetry" what I'd like to present:
Cosmological distances and huge discounts Product of millions hands frayed to the bones Product of million minds frayed to the thought Millions computers are slaves of Industry
Civilisation converges to the shopping malls Moloch of vanity devours its creators Enthralled intelligence pushes the buttons The Reason excluded from final version
Illusion of existance in its absolute form Throngs swarming obedient to unspoken law Venuses orbiting its final womb Sun is just a graphical file
The singularity
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Post by twistedangel on Mar 26, 2014 2:39:59 GMT -5
Hiya psr1257 an welcome to DS....ermm it can be a bit slow at times but dont panic...eventually somone really helpful will comment on your poem until then..soz your stuck with me have read this both slowly an then quite fast without breaks. .fast wos deffo better the write seemed to come alive a lot more with a nice rhythm liked the subject an liked the poem nice first post oh just cos am nosey wot is your first language?
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Post by psr1257 on Mar 27, 2014 5:55:08 GMT -5
Hell-o, TwistedAngel.
0. Very grateful for comments! 1. You are absolutely right - I was trying to compose something DeathMetal-like. So indeed, the fast rhythm was in my head; 2. The idea is simple - one of the possible scenario for [our] Civilization is state when we won't need to discover anymore (machines will do the job) ("Nirvana"); 3. Russian.
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Post by nibbana on Mar 28, 2014 15:38:05 GMT -5
"Illusion of existance in its absolute form" this is a great line.
I think it's supposed to be existence.
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Post by psr1257 on Mar 30, 2014 7:07:28 GMT -5
Correct, was mistake of mine. Sorry.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 1, 2014 16:04:09 GMT -5
Hi PSR1257 and welcome to Dark Star This seems to start out with a shopping theme and end in a virtual reality. I like the latter part (last strophe) a lot but I’m having some trouble finding/relating the connection between them. Your first strophe is a bit too repetitive with the word “million” and your ending could use a more profound punch but I find your style intriguing. It may be more of a translation issue than a cultivated style but I like the abrupt frankness. EG; “Moloch of vanity devours its creators” Thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading more.
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Post by Bastet on Apr 5, 2014 22:53:38 GMT -5
Proper English would be: "are the product of millions of hands frayed to the bones the products of a million minds frayed to the thought of millions of computers, the slaves of Industry"?
Interesting piece. Welcome to DS.
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