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duet
Feb 11, 2014 11:32:54 GMT -5
Bastet likes this
Post by Aish on Feb 11, 2014 11:32:54 GMT -5
v3. when apricot blossoms fall in soft breezes, hiding the stars our ragged sonics blend dripping with shed armor as we bend our backs into breaking waves that sting like wasps ecstatic gods momentarily skinned -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when apricot blossoms fall in soft breezes, hiding the stars our sonics blend raggedly dripping shed armor
as we bend our backs into breaking waves that sting like wasps
ecstatic gods momentarily skinned
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- v.1 hiding the hiss of stars our sonics blend, ragged dripping with shed armour as we bend our backs, arched into breaking waves that sting like wasps and sing immortal sounds of ecstatic gods momentarily skinned
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duet
Feb 11, 2014 19:23:43 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 11, 2014 19:23:43 GMT -5
Hmmmm? I see you’re still into the no caps thing. Love the feel of this. It has a bit of a love story feel but I don’t think it fits any single category. There is a lot here for so few words. I like the flow and rhythm too but my one suggestion is to remove “sounds” from the end of L5. Singing implies sound and “sing immortal of ecstatic gods” sounds better without the word sounds in it. Awesome write.
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duet
Feb 13, 2014 12:01:46 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Feb 13, 2014 12:01:46 GMT -5
Hissing, sonics and ragged also infer sounds. I'm thinking of replacing sounds with duet. After coming back through I feel like there are too many haughty word pairings that are somewhat ambiguous. I'm going to put some thought into either whittling this way down to bare bones or keeping a few phrases for scaffolding while starting over.
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duet
Feb 13, 2014 12:17:30 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Feb 13, 2014 12:17:30 GMT -5
I dropped the title into the piece and used duet as the new title, plus edited a few places.
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duet
Feb 13, 2014 14:51:56 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 13, 2014 14:51:56 GMT -5
Hmmmm? There are some lines I really like more in the original like; “dripping with shed armor” but I don’t have the time this deserves ATM. Armour should be armor BTW. I like the new title
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duet
Feb 18, 2014 3:05:44 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 18, 2014 3:05:44 GMT -5
I like the addition of the title into the poem and the new title. I like “ragged” after “blend” as in the original better. “dripping shed armor” is good but “raggedly dripping” doesn’t work for me. I miss; “sing immortal” with “of ecstatic gods.” Eg; “and sing immortal of ecstatic gods Momentarily skinned” L3 – sonics should be sonic.
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duet
Mar 7, 2014 14:35:53 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Mar 7, 2014 14:35:53 GMT -5
I might try "our ragged sonics blend dripping with shed armor".
Sonics should not be sonic - sonics, or sonic devices, are things like alliteration, assonance, and euphony used in poetry. In this piece it is an allusion to lovers murmurs and moans. The hiss played into that in the first attempt, but the anthropomorphism was distracting to me. Sing immortal sounds was also part of the sonics reference, but I think it's too much. The piece isn't meant to be frou-frou-ey. Haha.
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duet
Mar 13, 2014 12:27:36 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 13, 2014 12:27:36 GMT -5
“Sing immortal sounds was also part of the sonics reference, but I think it's too much. The piece isn't meant to be frou-frou-ey. Haha.” –
Ah, I see the sonics thing now but “Sing immortal” gives it a timeless feel that goes well with this.
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duet
Apr 15, 2014 21:04:44 GMT -5
Post by nibbana on Apr 15, 2014 21:04:44 GMT -5
The rawness of the original version strikes me in the heart. IDK. Maybe the edit is unnecessary. It reminds me a little of Shiva and Shakti.
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me
Crimson Soul
trying to land :_)
Posts: 122
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duet
Apr 29, 2014 5:47:32 GMT -5
Post by me on Apr 29, 2014 5:47:32 GMT -5
when we realise we are alive , where is god , in it all , i think , i like the dripping with shed armour line :_)
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duet
May 26, 2014 21:17:43 GMT -5
Post by Veritas on May 26, 2014 21:17:43 GMT -5
Agree with Mrs. nib, the first is fine as it is.
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