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Post by twistedangel on Dec 29, 2013 5:43:33 GMT -5
Moonlight dances thru tainted glass Diamond tears fall upon shadows cast Smoky Bourbon dulls her past Ice clink shots fired, neither first nor last After hours safety of night Comfort in solitude away from sight Loneliness of closed bars....but not quite My company of diamond tears, an moonlight
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Post by windfog on Dec 29, 2013 6:10:40 GMT -5
Short. Sad. Flash of reality. And very, very touching ... I like it! W.F.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Dec 29, 2013 15:50:40 GMT -5
Cool lonely theme Angel, well done. I like your word choices too. The rhyming of the last four lines is risky but it seems to work. The only improvement I can suggest is in your line arrangement. It’s more vivid to me like this; “Moonlight thru tainted glass diamond dances shadow cast fall on tears (on fallen tears)”
“Lonely closed bar....but not quite in company of diamond tears, an moonlight”
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Post by twistedangel on Dec 30, 2013 5:43:45 GMT -5
this wos the forerunner to 'warm whiskey' an cos i really liked that image i wanted to give it some hope rather than leave it like this..just seemed a kinda waste to be drinking alone besides do you know how difficult locking up an setting the alarm is when your finished but completley hammered
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 1, 2014 19:19:42 GMT -5
“this wos the forerunner to 'warm whiskey' “ – No wonder I liked it so much. Warm Whisky was better but this has its own “I drink alone” appeal too.
“besides do you know how difficult locking up an setting the alarm is when your finished but completley hammered” – I’ve done a lot of locking up and much of it in bad neighborhoods but hammered? No. The guard dog doesn’t get to do that at work. LOL
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Post by Veritas on Jan 4, 2014 23:25:08 GMT -5
it is different for all who perceive, i find my debauchery comical, but I suppose that my also be chalked up to semantics... LOL...
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Post by Bastet on Oct 22, 2014 13:59:46 GMT -5
The imagery is good, and the rhyme works to cast a light spell of melancholy.
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Post by untitled on Oct 26, 2014 3:34:34 GMT -5
Such an ineffable poem,,, yet so beautiful
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Post by krourya on Oct 29, 2014 13:13:11 GMT -5
I find a tinge of solitude and comfort, the sort of comfort you find in yourself. Two's quite a company when you have but yourself.
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