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Canvas
Nov 11, 2013 10:02:45 GMT -5
Post by Toxichaze on Nov 11, 2013 10:02:45 GMT -5
Canvas' without paint, I hear art portrayed. But what of a canvas? Just a sleight for- one man to alter.
Forcing the change for a single purpose, artistic vision. Driven to create but only to desecrate-
The virginity of possibility upon this slate, that now bears a single thought or vision.
The colors are vibrant but abrupt and stark, inducing thoughts as to forget the beauty of emptiness and possibility, this canvas I have not.
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siksimon
Demon Disciple
Blind leading the blind.
Posts: 524
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Canvas
Nov 11, 2013 18:50:47 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by siksimon on Nov 11, 2013 18:50:47 GMT -5
The third stanza is too sick for words, wonderful climax. Toxic are you a female or a male?
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siksimon
Demon Disciple
Blind leading the blind.
Posts: 524
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Canvas
Nov 11, 2013 18:54:45 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by siksimon on Nov 11, 2013 18:54:45 GMT -5
It's definitely not rule of thumb, but using the word possibility twice in the way you have done without stressing repetition is, for lack of a better term, tacky. It's a great piece with or without the recurring word possibility though.
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Canvas
Nov 11, 2013 23:37:11 GMT -5
Post by Toxichaze on Nov 11, 2013 23:37:11 GMT -5
I am a male. I know, I thought the same pertaining to the use of the same word there but it was in effort to establish a transition back to the beginning of thought. As if dreaming you snap back to reality. Not so sure that what I had tried worked too well.
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siksimon
Demon Disciple
Blind leading the blind.
Posts: 524
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Canvas
Nov 12, 2013 0:12:27 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by siksimon on Nov 12, 2013 0:12:27 GMT -5
Hmmm, well maybe your goal shouldn't be to manipulate, but instead impress your reader.
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Canvas
Nov 12, 2013 12:16:20 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Nov 12, 2013 12:16:20 GMT -5
of the 3 pieces posted this is me fave (erm the one i get the most )..i cant say the use of the same word twice bothered me much..deffo didnt distract in any way IMO tho it is somthing to be avoided where you can odd choice to put on the misc board cos for me the very last line gives it a melancholy feel to the piece really nice write
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Canvas
Nov 12, 2013 14:56:30 GMT -5
Post by Bastet on Nov 12, 2013 14:56:30 GMT -5
The idea in this piece is interesting, I really like it, but you use a lot of excess wording. You're trying to hard to make this come across as ' artistic'.
L2&3 in the opening stanza are erroneous. Is 'the' in S2L1 really necessary? The final line is so contrived it killed the ones above it for me.
Welcome to DS. Please remember we enforce the 3:1 ratio for feedback.
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Canvas
Nov 14, 2013 8:42:24 GMT -5
Post by Toxichaze on Nov 14, 2013 8:42:24 GMT -5
I appreciate the feedback. Do not hesitate to criticize, I've never been one to falter from it. Thank you to both Zombieparakeet and TA, this was a rough draft. Siksimon knows since he brought me to this site, but all my work I post goes through me once and that's as its coming out. I rarely go back and proofread, simply because I've never made the effort to. =P Kind of why you guys are so welcomed to bash me.
Zombie, I wasn't so much trying to make it sound "artistic" as I was ponderous. Yes, I agree that the "the" isn't necessary in the piece but I fail to see how the first two lines are erroneous. I see how the last line could of felt a little contrived but it was more supposed to be a single string of thought, since the entire stanza has little punctuation.
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Canvas
Nov 15, 2013 17:01:16 GMT -5
Post by Veritas on Nov 15, 2013 17:01:16 GMT -5
A blank canvas & a blank page... are both nightmare & dream come true for an artist
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