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Post by Bastet on Nov 7, 2013 14:20:05 GMT -5
v2
When I wonder what happened to Savannah, whether she ever left the brokenness behind to see the mountains she dreamed about or learned to play guitar,
I wonder who quiets her demons and smiles at her bracelets and rainbow toe socks.
I wonder if she's still that girl who had a knack for trouble, no matter how hard she tried. And I wonder if she ever learned to be kind to herself in the dark corners and let the world have its vices without her.
____________________________________________________________________________________ v1
When I wonder what happened to Savannah whether she ever left the brokenness behind to see the mountains she dreamed about or learned to play guitar.
I wonder who quiets her demons and smiles at her bracelets and rainbow toe socks.
I wonder if she's still that girl
who had a knack for trouble no matter how hard she tried.
And I wonder if she ever learned to be kind to herself in the dark corners and let the world
have its vices without her.
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Post by windfog on Nov 8, 2013 3:31:51 GMT -5
I agree with S.S. I know her history and I feel regrets. W.F.
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Post by Aish on Nov 8, 2013 22:00:15 GMT -5
The tone in this piece is conversational, but the short lines don't quite match up with the feel of the words. I would suggest lengthening your lines. Example:
When I wonder what happened to Savannah, whether she ever left the brokenness behind see the mountains she dreamed about or learned to play guitar.
A comma or semi- colon after guitar would be more appropriate than the period.
Nice piece. It really comes across as sincere and regretful.
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Post by twistedangel on Nov 8, 2013 22:12:58 GMT -5
gotta say i like an agree with Aish's ideas about S1 thers a simple sincerity to this i wouldnt want to see lost but i do think its in much need of some restructuring...an reading this about 3 times now am kinda liking the conversational tone of this the stand alone line of "I wonder if she's still that girl " i dont see the point of IMO if you bring it into a stanza/strophe it would also give the final line a bit more impact..being the only line on its own
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Post by Bastet on Nov 26, 2013 16:24:07 GMT -5
Cheers for all the feedback, peeps!! Imma get to work on this, post a edit in day or two. Thanks so much!
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 23, 2015 0:36:21 GMT -5
Cheers for all the feedback, peeps!! Imma get to work on this, post a edit in day or two. Thanks so much! Could s3&4 and s5&6 be combined? Perhaps remove 'And' from the beginning of the newly created final stanza. I found myself repeating the title of the piece right before I read each section. Was there ever a rewrite to this? It does seem very heartfelt. I enjoyed this one Bastet.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 23, 2015 0:40:38 GMT -5
I worked on a revision, but now I see I never put it up. Thank you, 4xF, I'll get down to business and rectify that.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 23, 2015 3:15:04 GMT -5
OK, version 2 is up!
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 23, 2015 3:38:55 GMT -5
There's a double space between the first two stanzas, is that significant or just something that happened when you posted it? Also, did you mean to have the final line separated from the last grouping of lines? If that was your intent could you explain it to me? Because I feel like the final line is clearly a part of that group.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 23, 2015 3:48:03 GMT -5
The double space was an accident, I'm fixing it...now... The space between the penultimate and final lines I just wanted to force a little pause. I'm fixing that as well.
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