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Post by twistedangel on Aug 31, 2013 8:53:05 GMT -5
Encased in concrete Penned in sheep Fibreglass hearts, dull eyes of steel Tired legs spin the wheel To grey suited knights we now kneel
Templars turned tamperers GM crop samplers Fields surrender to tarmac As test tube beef fill Big Mac's Shit full landfill, plastic nappy sacks
Cardinals of lawyers Protecting oligarth monarch employers No Dutch boy to hold the dam back For they legalised the crack Foundations on fault lines snap
Sweep under rugs Mop up tearful floods Smooth over with pollyfilla As hero is made of a serial killer Serialised TV thrilla
Uncertain dreams Society eroding its own seams To beg an borrow For a child's tomorrow Corporations know or care not, the meaning of sorrow
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 31, 2013 19:45:25 GMT -5
I like it. I’ll come back for a proper crit when I have more time. The one thing that does stand out as a bit awkward is; “As hero is made of a serial killer”
Something like; “As serial killer is made hero” Fits better.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 3, 2013 18:35:08 GMT -5
In the last stanza I want to read; “For a child's tomorrow”as “From a child's tomorrow”As we seem so willing to sell our children’s future for our short sightedness today. I’m not sure what else to say except a large number of small things that add up to re-iterating what Aish said in another of your posts; you have a real knack for poetically expressing “the dirty truth of the human condition.” “Cardinals of lawyers Protecting oligarth monarch employers”I love your word choices here.
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Post by windfog on Sept 11, 2013 23:39:10 GMT -5
I'm bad critic but I'm good reader. Cool and clever, as usual, work. Powerful and deep work! W.F.
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Post by Veritas on Oct 6, 2013 4:38:50 GMT -5
A corporation cannot know or feel sorrow. It is a false identity. All glory flows from the empire. It is also where it dies.
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