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Post by Aish on Sept 13, 2012 15:25:47 GMT -5
sentient gift of the sacred name
dances on above atop
my hips
swing sway open
rotating in imitative unison
our pitch perfect harmonics are
divine
our undulation immaculate
my teeth unzip your diaphanous skinsuit a new self is formed
I eat your sadness swallow your clay
as God takes form in your eyes
symbiotic
singing to awaken
the sacred liquid lotus flame
sibilant serpent mother Goddess
numinous
cocooned
in susurrus perfume
anticipating the blessed hour of infinity
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Sinuous
Sept 13, 2012 15:29:17 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Sept 13, 2012 15:29:17 GMT -5
Ok, so this encompasses many catagories for me, but I finally decided to put it here. The original is written with serpentine curves, but I can't make that format work from my phone.
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Sinuous
Sept 13, 2012 20:29:09 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 13, 2012 20:29:09 GMT -5
I love it! This is HOT! and beautiful… supple and graceful. Perfect title. Sexy and deep. You’ve ruined me for all other women. Calling your opening captivating doesn’t do it justice and I grew breathless at; “I eat your sadness swallow your clay
as God takes form in your eyes”and I didn’t anticipate it getting better than that but you keep building a perfect crescendo with a climactic ending. I don’t like this format but it is easily forgiven. This slithers so gracefully I can see its serpentine format anyway. There are spelling and capitalization errors but I couldn’t do half as well from a phone. I hate my phone for texting. I knew I should have got that Droid. I love snakes. Do you or have you ever had a pet snake? I’m sure you have. I’ve had many but my King snake was an exceptional animal. Smart, and he loved people. Probably because we are warm but I never expected to see so much personality in a snake. I caught him when he was about a foot long and he was over six feet when he got stolen. He was deathly afraid of rats. Even the babies. That was really odd because he didn’t even fear our cat. I spent more time with him coiled around my neck than playing catch with my dog. He was so curious. Sticking his nose into everything I was doing and flicking his tongue.
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Sinuous
Sept 13, 2012 21:05:27 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Sept 13, 2012 21:05:27 GMT -5
;D Thanks for the high praise ;D I've possessed many Burmese and Reticulated pythons, an albino Burmese python, and red tail boa constrictors, but my xiuhcoatl is by far my most beloved Please point out my spelling errors so I may correct them. There are no capitalization errors, those words are intentionally capitalized, because they are root elements. Do you think they should be italicized?
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Sinuous
Sept 14, 2012 16:43:52 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 14, 2012 16:43:52 GMT -5
I thought that might be the case with the capitalization but from a phone I thought it might also have been a problem. It is on my phone. I’m not a big fan of italicized format but I replaced the capitalized words with italicized (except “Divine”) and yes, definitely. I hadn’t noticed until I did this but many of those words are long s words ending with a pause. Italicizing them makes it even more sinuous as I tend to read italicized as a whisper. Now I can’t get Harry Potter out of my head. LOL Opening with an italicized long s might set the reader up nicely for parseltongue. Something like;
“ …salacious gift of the sacred name”
Spelling; diaphonous = diaphanous coccooned = cocooned sussurrous = susurrus
Xiuhcoatl? Pictures? Is there a real snake named after the myth? Artwork?
I had a Burmese Python when I was young. I put it in the care of a friend for awhile and he let it die. He’s not a friend anymore. I find most constrictors to be too lethargic to make a good pet and I don’t trust the bigger ones around my neck but a friend has a baby albino Python that is the cutest snake I know. She brings her to the renaissance fairs in a beautiful velveteen bag tied on her waist. She looks so cute sticking her head out of the bag. She sleeps a lot but when she is up and about she really likes to get around.
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Sinuous
Sept 17, 2012 0:37:37 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Sept 17, 2012 0:37:37 GMT -5
Spelling errors should be corrected now. Changed the first word.
Sunny was my albino Burmese. She had all sorts of personality and was very gentle, loved people. She was 8 feet long when she died prematurely. Somewhere I have some wicked pictures of her feeding. In one she has a mouse completely bent in half backward.
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Sinuous
Sept 17, 2012 19:04:18 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 17, 2012 19:04:18 GMT -5
Actually I was thinking of a word that ends with s like, dances, or ostentatious. You still have an “o” in susurrus. Sunny A good name for an albino. I’m sure I have pictures of King but nothing digital. Some snakes are messy when eating but King always caught them by the head. He never got bit himself. I might even have some skins in a treasure box around here somewhere.
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Sinuous
Sept 19, 2012 10:08:09 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Sept 19, 2012 10:08:09 GMT -5
Ostentatious doesn't work for me. I was happy to change it because sentient really fits the piece better. This is an embodiment of power from my perspective, of ecstatic joy, awakening, but also deep pain.
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Sinuous
Sept 19, 2012 21:25:20 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 19, 2012 21:25:20 GMT -5
LOL I know. I wasn’t suggesting “Ostentatious” be the opening word. That wouldn’t fit at all. Salacious had a better chance of fitting but its best feature is that it sounds so parseltongue. I can’t think of a word that fits all criteria. That is assuming I know what you mean by the gift of the sacred name. I thought of suggesting using the title word. It works well from the readers view and its aspect is not entirely without merit here but it’s not right either. Blooming was ok but I do like sentient better. Too bad it’s not sentientss. Unconditional or graceful is the best I can think of for meaning but they don’t sound parseltongue.
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Sinuous
Sept 22, 2012 8:27:37 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Sept 22, 2012 8:27:37 GMT -5
There is no way you know what I mean in the first strophe. Remote possibility you understand the precept, but mostly implausible.
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Sinuous
Sept 23, 2012 4:36:34 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 23, 2012 4:36:34 GMT -5
Ouch!
Hugs
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Sinuous
Nov 2, 2012 13:31:58 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Nov 2, 2012 13:31:58 GMT -5
BAH! I don't like the italics, either. Gonna make them blend.
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Sinuous
May 14, 2013 1:31:58 GMT -5
Post by windfog on May 14, 2013 1:31:58 GMT -5
A sacred cobra dance ... Promising, charming, dangerous ... Great piece! W.F.
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Sinuous
May 14, 2013 20:50:02 GMT -5
Post by Aish on May 14, 2013 20:50:02 GMT -5
Thank you, Ris
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Sinuous
Oct 23, 2014 1:54:52 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Bastet on Oct 23, 2014 1:54:52 GMT -5
*Awe- struck aphasia*
Seriously. DAYUMN.
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