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advance
Jun 27, 2012 1:55:29 GMT -5
Post by deranged85 on Jun 27, 2012 1:55:29 GMT -5
half-hearted wind fragmentary evidence of yesterday- uncomplicated. elementary. wounded, relentless tomorrows advance like a thousand dogged soldiers crossing enemy lines. i realign. brace myself against the solid earth and its unbroken rigidity.
not finished. not really sure where to go with this. or what to change. totally open to suggestions?
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 3, 2012 1:49:21 GMT -5
I love your opening but it feels like it is part of another poem and not what I would associate with “Advance.” This feels right and I like it better as an opening; “wounded, relentless tomorrows advance like a thousand dogged soldiers crossing enemy lines.”I’m not sure how to help except to point you to a poem I wrote that this reminds me of. Maybe it will inspire you. darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/inde....lay&thread=8657
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