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Post by vindictivedoll on May 25, 2012 10:12:02 GMT -5
i weep inside a haunted tree of lies
it whispers messages of how one dies
it told me me a story the other day
of how it watched you slowly decay
and used your organs as nourishment
because you ignorantly avoided your punishment
Wherein self conspiracy consumed your tattered thoughts
and impulse rapes any desire of new found faults
twas the delight of a liars scattered secrets
bleeding the release of soulless useless defects
chaining my limbs with pleasured hatred preventing any escape
forcing symbolic images of century's old death and rape
overthrowing my conscience with tales of interest
not realizing this whore of nature will infest
taking control of my feeble lonely mind
making me wonder what useless idiot ill find
grinning amused as she hangs by a loving noose until she finally dies
a lamb that's brainwashed by the king f*cking dictator, the tree of lies
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Post by LonelyForsaken on May 25, 2012 22:00:32 GMT -5
It’s a bit long and wordy in places but there are some really good lines here. I’m not liking the format. It makes it feel choppy and the meanings seem scattered and broken up. I love the sentiment though. Free yourself from the constraint of trying to rhyme, link the words of cohesive meaning more closely and I think you’ll find a really good poem in here.
Thanks for sharing.
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Post by shamefulsean on May 27, 2012 19:39:58 GMT -5
the overall message was quite apparent, and the end was pretty cool, like something from an Otep song but, the format was flat and uninspiring. It forces you to read way to quick and I rarely go back to look for jewels......I would change up the line up and re present. otherwise cool stuff cant wait to read more. shame
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