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Post by oiphoenix on Mar 9, 2012 3:18:52 GMT -5
Rib cage is shone. Less blood than bone. Stolen from us. nothing left to lust. The memories fade, as others decayed. We onced danced and sung before now cant love anymore. Greed and lust must be to blame, why the good people get all the pain. ebony hair on a moonless night, all thats left to continue the fight
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lykos
Dark Initiate
Posts: 9
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Post by lykos on Mar 11, 2012 14:04:12 GMT -5
Amazing opening 4 sentences, and a great ending. I see so much potential in your writing style in general, I just wish your pieces weren't quite so brief. I've read three of your poems now, and I find that they are all the same in that you set the piece up so well, and even have a good ending, but it almost feels like you have so much more to say than what you actually put down. I'd love to see a longer piece where you explore the emotion your trying to convey in depth.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 13, 2012 13:49:14 GMT -5
The only thing I find lacking in this is structure. It is as if you pour it out and just let it lie there, raw and unpolished. It almost feels criminal in that this could have so much more impact and I have to restructure it in my own mind. This may in fact make it easier for me to connect with it but so much of you and the message you are trying to tell becomes lost to me and I’m left wondering. And there are few who will bother themselves with the mental effort required by the reader to polish it. Should I structure it and post it? I’m tempted, to demonstrate what I mean, and show what I see in this raw write. But then, I would feel like a criminal myself for adding much of myself to what you have so well otherwise expressed. Forgive me. I can’t help it. This particular section moves me and cries for structure; “We once danced We sang before Now we can’t love anymore
Greed and lust must be to blame Why – Good people get all the pain”I went back and forth on punctuation with this but the lines seem to speak for themselves and without a question mark on “Why” it has double meaning as a statement and a question. While I’m compelled to polish it I do love this write.
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