|
Post by ankhkat on Dec 23, 2011 18:55:01 GMT -5
Chrystalline rain drops floating down after a battle from the heavens on the ground they lie like broken chariot wheels singing their melting songs of anguish and despair
an atmospheric distubance turns them solid once more beneath the waning moon
|
|
|
Post by RisYerg on Dec 24, 2011 3:58:08 GMT -5
Wow! Twelve from ten! Wonderful! R.Y.
|
|
|
Post by Aish on Dec 25, 2011 0:37:06 GMT -5
Ankh,
This is GORGEOUS and so fitting for winter. I LOVE it!
Crit: A little punctuation would render this properly polished. Perhaps you would consider swapping 'under' in the final line for 'beneath'.
|
|
|
Post by ankhkat on Dec 25, 2011 12:48:36 GMT -5
wonderful suggestion Chrys... I changed it! every once in awhile I keep somethin I write and decide to post it... this is one of the best ones I have written lately. Im happy you both like it!
|
|
|
Post by Veritas on Jan 3, 2012 16:28:52 GMT -5
Not snowing down in Texas yet but "beauty of a right"
|
|
|
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jan 9, 2012 20:00:42 GMT -5
Hey Ank,
The mental shift between water and ice is a bit tricky for me(drops/floating), otherwise im finding this piece really enjoyable.
The "broken chariot wheels" imagery works so perfectly with the snowflakes. Well done.
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 10, 2012 2:52:47 GMT -5
I have no critique though I am a fan of punctuation. The write is simply brilliant IMO. I especially love this part and I’m a big fan of snow.
“singing their melting songs of anguish and despair”
Wonderful write. :-)
|
|
|
Post by ankhkat on Jan 10, 2012 14:10:55 GMT -5
i kno it def could use some punctuation .. any suggestions?
|
|
|
snowflake
Oct 24, 2014 18:26:05 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by goldfinch on Oct 24, 2014 18:26:05 GMT -5
Beautiful. I can't wait for winter.
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 24, 2014 21:31:36 GMT -5
Hey Ankh It's been too long. 22 months later and I no longer use punctuation much anymore. LOL
Crystalline and disturbance are misspelled.
Capitalize two lines; S1, L3 (On) and S2, L1 (An). The rhythm of the first line is wonky and the only one that really begs punctuation. I'd split it up. Eg; "Crystalline rain drops floating down after a battle from the heavens"
|
|