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Post by Veritas on Nov 14, 2011 12:57:34 GMT -5
Fire crackles and sparks burst into flight
Smoke swirls and surrounding stars burn holes through the night
A coyote calls Somewhere... from out the cold
Back to the wall That is the law
Each thread forms a pattern In a layer of truth
Each problem presented Left unresolved
Each half Part of the very same circle
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Post by Aish on Nov 14, 2011 15:25:30 GMT -5
Overall this piece is beautiful.
The first two strophes don't read as rhythmically as I would expect them to. I've read over them at least 10 times, and this is what I've come up with: if I close my eyes and allow myself to hear you reciting it, it works b/c I'm familiar with your natural cadence. However, as a reader, I'm seeing 'the' too many times. I suggest either simply leaving a couple of them out or replacing them with descriptive words.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 15, 2011 19:41:56 GMT -5
This write makes me think… of many things. Foremost is our perception of problems. I do not believe that all we perceive as problems are true problems and “need” solving. You seem to allude to this but I’m not sure it is intentional. I do enjoy your subtlety though.
I see what Chrys is saying and suggest removing “The” from the beginning of the first two strophes.
Thought provoking and very good.
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Post by Veritas on Nov 27, 2011 18:56:28 GMT -5
The THE's have been removed my fellows. much thanks for the advice.
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Post by RisYerg on Nov 28, 2011 11:13:57 GMT -5
In my life, a previous one, I spent a lot of time near camp fires. In my life, a previous one, I saw a lot of different bonfires. I like fire. I like this your work. R.Y.
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