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Post by Moonstone Maiden on Sept 24, 2011 20:47:33 GMT -5
Obsessed with a culture of excess.
People will stare at the grotesque, the rich, the fear. Then we wonder why angry teenagers turn into angry adults.
The infamous "They". We blame. No I: no me: no my: Not unless it's needs or rights.
Like the skinless groves that make up my fingerprints, I wonder will it reach the bone?
There are three things that have always squashed themselves into the lining on my head- Like a makeshift cranium for my makeshift brain. Sex, death & why?
The electronics buzz, & when they stop my eyes feel like a wasp harem in a steamy summer noon. The LCD's dissipate yet there's still a screeching in the hollow of my ears.
Obsessed with the culture of excess When we need a dash of moderation In a world where we want more, more, more, when we just need less.
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Post by Moonstone Maiden on Sept 24, 2011 20:50:15 GMT -5
Leash this was more or less for you. I got the email, & Amber asked me to pop in & say hi. Been very busy. We three need to have a good catch up it's completely raw & just the flotsam & jetsam in my mind. I apologize for the lack of discipline!
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Sept 26, 2011 15:24:12 GMT -5
Haha dont apologize, Lu. I think theres a few of us right now having problems getting writing out. Its definitely raw, Ill give you that... And youre not helping my shitty focus skills either! lol
Really liking that... Stuck out for me pretty good.
I need to come back to this piece again.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 26, 2011 19:04:38 GMT -5
It is raw but I love the message. I’ve read it a few times and keep coming up short on comment. I noticed just now that you have made some changes. I love this stanza but I stumble over the contraction “it’s.” I think it flows better as two words; “The infamous "They". We blame. No I: no me: no my: Not unless it is needs or rights.”I think you’re using too many words in this write. Let the reader fill in and remember that in poetry your words imply much that doesn’t need to be said. Eg; “Like the skinless groves that make up my fingerprints, I wonder will it reach the bone?” – can be written as; “Skinless groves make up my fingerprints. Will it reach the bone?” I really like this a lot; “The electronics buzz, & when they stop my eyes feel like a wasp harem in a steamy summer noon. The LCD's dissipate yet there's still a screeching in the hollow of my ears.” – But I think it can flow as poetry much better. Something like this maybe; “Electronic buzz, when they stop. My eyes - a wasp harem on a steamy summer noon. LCD’s dissipate. Still, a screeching in the hollow of my ears.”Your ending has the punch it needs to really finish this well. Nice!
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Post by Aish on Sept 27, 2011 11:51:18 GMT -5
I think strophe 3 is necessary.
This is closer to a mind dump than I usually see from you, Lu. S5 is gorgeous.
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Post by Veritas on Sept 27, 2011 17:53:26 GMT -5
I had conversation with several co-workers, my point was ; "ok, we have this knowledge. We point at the loop hole, the one that all of us noticed but failed & continue to fail to do anything about? So knowledge & wisdom equal what, without cause or purpose? And if there be a purpose to what end?"
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Post by Moonstone Maiden on Oct 3, 2011 8:37:00 GMT -5
I am feeling very lost... Nomadic... Detached at the moment. Perhaps writing could help. I haven't put pen to paper that wasn't to do with work, for months. Thank you all for your comments, greatly appreciated. In particular, thankyou Forsaken. I love your amendments & will take them into consideration when I get the opportunity (I am posting this from my phone).
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Post by Swindle Sheet on Oct 25, 2011 0:53:58 GMT -5
This is a solid work. I like how it calls for more personal responsibility.
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