Devilish
Dark Initiate
feel me
Posts: 70
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Post by Devilish on Aug 31, 2011 13:09:49 GMT -5
Your time had come, as I held the gun! Couldn't sit still, to scared to feel. Body wired, mind at a loss. What came next depended on the toss! So get up off your knees mutha f*cker! Let us play! Which one of us will it be, that lives to see Another day? So spin the barrel, forget blame! Close your eyes, point and aim! Only a fool whose own blood they've spattered... Now it is your brains that's been splattered! But, a heads up... we'll meet again, on the other side! As for now it was YOU that had to die tonight!!
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Post by RisYerg on Sept 1, 2011 1:39:28 GMT -5
Hi, dear lady! I like this your piece! It's for me like a "storming sea of feelings". Cool monologue! Enjoyed! R.Y.
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Devilish
Dark Initiate
feel me
Posts: 70
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Post by Devilish on Sept 1, 2011 4:01:54 GMT -5
Thank you very much. I wrote it about my cousin who committed suicide.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2011 17:05:48 GMT -5
I liked how it flowed in areas, but these two lines didn't feel right to me (i'm not sure how to explain myself)
"Only a fool whose own blood they've spattered? Now it is your brains that's been splattered!"
but overall i enjoyed it.
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Devilish
Dark Initiate
feel me
Posts: 70
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Post by Devilish on Sept 3, 2011 23:34:10 GMT -5
I meant that the fool being the one who shot him self instead of me... But after reading it again myself i can see why it didnt sit right... Thank you for the critque, i will try to revise... Thank you...
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 6, 2011 22:42:33 GMT -5
Sorry you had to experience this. I know it sucks.
Very emotional and as good a tribute as any. Better than I have ever attempted.
The rhyming does feel forced in these two lines but I see why you did it. After the previous two lines it feels right; “Only a fool whose own blood they've spattered... Now it is your brains that's been splattered!”
What do you think of; “And to the loved fool, whose blood is spattered… my heart, like your brains, now lie shattered.” ?
or somthing like that.
Thanks for sharing. I know it’s difficult.
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Devilish
Dark Initiate
feel me
Posts: 70
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Post by Devilish on Sept 7, 2011 13:09:17 GMT -5
;D I like those two lines you've shown me.. i think i'll use them... Thank you!!! When i have time ill cum back and modify! I appreciate it...
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Post by Veritas on Sept 8, 2011 7:03:17 GMT -5
LF always trying to work Love into a piece. It's quite out of place here. Those lines are strong, they just need a little, tweaking. "Only a fool whose blood they've spattere "Now it's your brains that've been splattered " I would also switch a few things around in this line: "Spin the barrel & forget the blame"
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 8, 2011 12:53:32 GMT -5
Veritas is right. I’m sure I do that too much and if that is not what you feel than love should not be worked into those lines. It feels right to me but it is your work and should be your feelings that are expressed.
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Devilish
Dark Initiate
feel me
Posts: 70
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Post by Devilish on Sept 9, 2011 17:24:45 GMT -5
Honestly, I'm very appreciative for the fact that it's read and then for each of you to take time to lend a hand and critique, I love it! I believe wholeheartedly in perfection and constructive criticism.... I strive for perfection if that is possible... I've been other places and NO ONE ever offered any kind of suggestions in critique so friendly if you will. I don't take offense, i take pride, so I thank you all... It can only make me better, and why woudn't i want that? Thank you!!!
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Post by Veritas on Sept 11, 2011 21:35:50 GMT -5
He was talken about the love use I called attention to. For instance, you said the poem is aboot yer cousin, so whereas your cousin is a loved one, the pieces focus is on the rage at his/her action. Which is why I commented on his love suggestion, you'll see us go back & forth... LF on the good guy's side LMS for the villains.
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Devilish
Dark Initiate
feel me
Posts: 70
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Post by Devilish on Sept 12, 2011 5:27:06 GMT -5
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 12, 2011 12:00:23 GMT -5
We balance each other well. ;D
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