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Post by punkrockslacker on Aug 8, 2011 9:41:04 GMT -5
You say I'm so vain Why then are they about you These mistakes I make
Seeking perfection It's not evil, It's not wrong It is our duty
Anarchy is truth Laws hide what we really are Maybe that's better
Love's a fickle flame It burns as much as it warms Is it worth the pain
Who the f*ck are you Slinking into all my thoughts I reign supreme here
Civilization Is naturally oppressive The wild is freedom
not a terminus critical is the journey striving for wholeness
Love is a being It's scars make it beautiful They mark passing time
what form would it take if beauty could manifest i think its your smile
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 8, 2011 12:07:44 GMT -5
Hi PunkRockSlacker I love this stanza but the first line is not quite right; “Love's a fickle flame It burns as much as it warms Is it worth the pain”I feel “Love is a fickle flame” or better yet; “Love’s fickle flame burns as much as warms”works better. More suggestions; “The wild is freedom”to “Freedom is wild”The last stanza is a powerful sentiment and a great ending but I have trouble reading it as it is. The flow falters. “what form would it take if beauty could manifest i think its your smile”“I think” is way too unsure. It should be stated as a fact. I want to read it something more like this; “I see beauty manifest, take form and essence, every time you smile.”Punctuation and a more traditional capitalization scheme would help the flow too. Nice write. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by punkrockslacker on Aug 8, 2011 13:24:03 GMT -5
Thank you for your (far to kind) critique.
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Post by Swindle Sheet on Oct 26, 2011 21:14:08 GMT -5
I really like stanza three. As Rousseau said " We are born free; and everywhere we are in chains."
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