'`Redemption
Crimson Soul
Life's judgement forstalled, I'm already in hell.
Posts: 76
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Post by '`Redemption on Dec 13, 2010 1:27:37 GMT -5
Greetings ;;Another poem. Still a working progress, so please keep that in mind. SOme words are a bit out of place. If you find any of these, please tell me! Thankyou. Enjoy reading. '`Red Music in the background; Messing with my thoughts. With spite my mind is turning; To the pocket of my shorts.
Within that soft worn denim; My torn-up heartbreak lies. And in this empty room; My rage wears no disguise.
The pitiful apology ruined; The note all torn in two. The last-moment explanation; Saying why we were through.
So here I sit in bleak rejection; All for that chick with the money. I hope she breaks your spoilt heart; Now wouldn’t that be funny?
And so, tonight, I’ll have a dream; Of ripping off your head; Yet maybe I’ll just make you suffer; And kill the chick instead.
A blade lays waiting on the desk; My wrists all bare and pale. With any luck and just one cut; On the seas of death I’ll sail.
“He’s hardly worth this!” I’ll tell myself. Yet I shall still seek vengeance, So watch thy-self!
Music in the background; My thoughts are all in order. No one shall ever again; Break down my heart’s border. - '`Redemption
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Post by <strip> on Sept 21, 2011 13:03:47 GMT -5
Conflicting emotions in the first two stanzas. Spite & rage clash with heartbreak & soft, worn. Didn't make it any further than that. Agreed, the colored font is distracting and only takes away.
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Post by Aish on Sept 24, 2011 10:21:19 GMT -5
My first and strongest urge is to suggest the blue words be strung together in a short stanza, followed by the remaining white words. Otherwise, you might as well place exclamation points after each blue word. Distracting.
There are a few cliches. Your rhyme scheme is holding you back, feels forced.
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