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Post by creepikid on Dec 10, 2010 17:38:17 GMT -5
this growl wells up inside a monster grows as it feeds on the emotion i hide
it stares out the windows of my soul to the cold outside where all is criticism and where hate will never subside
it claws at my being and howls in frustration it simply wants out
all it wants to do is rain genocide, cause helplessness and despair it would even be my mental relief from my reservoir of hate and pain
but my conscience gets to me I'm stuck in this manifestation
this monsters still lurks within me still stares out the windows of my soul waiting on my window pane
i just wish there were burglar bars because i know it wont be held by some simple glass and wooden frame
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Dec 11, 2010 20:09:40 GMT -5
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Dec 12, 2010 21:25:19 GMT -5
Hi Creepikid
I like this poem and I see that you struggle with the same problem I do. I tend to use more words than I should and I’m told that I need to focus mainly on imagery and emotion. I’ve been working on my wordiness and I see a lot of ways to improve “Inner Demon” in this way.
I wish I could do this to my own work more often but it seems to be easier when you’re not personally invested in the work.
Expanding on Leash’s comment I’ll try to be more specific using the last two stanzas.
“this monsters still lurks within me still stares out the windows of my soul waiting on my window pane” -
The first thing to jump out is; “waiting on my window pane.” It feels unnecessary and has no profound meaning. You could go with just the first two lines but that seems incomplete. Maybe something like this; “The monster still lurks within Contemplating horrible sin Staring through the window, outside Vying for control while I hide”
I know, I rhyme too much but you get the idea.
“i just wish there were burglar bars because i know it wont be held by some simple glass and wooden frame” –
The message is profound but the wording seems jumbled and awkward. You are trying to keep a hold on your demon and you are not made of wood and glass. Keeping the message and adding a bit more depth into how the demon is held in check I come up with; “So I strengthen my self-imposed prison To keep the demon well hidden for I know it won’t remain safely inside if held only by my fragile pride”
I really like this poem and you have inspired me to write my own version. I’ll send it to you, by PM, and if you feel inspired as well then maybe we can add it to this thread as a co-write.
Take care,
LonelyForsaken
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Post by Time_Spinner on Feb 15, 2011 17:34:52 GMT -5
I am drawn to this poem, mostly because this is an experience many, many people can relate to, myself included. Like Leash, I also feel this is a very good start of capturing an emotion, but I also want to see what you're feeling in my mind's eye. Use your senses, such as Leash said. Paint a picture. Make me fear what's inside you. "this monsters still lurks within me still stares out the windows of my soul waiting on my window pane" This stanza has potential especially. While "this monsters" sounds a bit confusing ("these monsters?" "this monster?" Typo?), I like the bit of imagery. I imagine something with teeth, salivating and hungry and evil waiting behind eyes, patient and waiting to get out. Keep up the good work.
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Post by zairith on Jun 14, 2011 22:27:14 GMT -5
I like this because I relate to it. I'm not great at critiquing, and I can't find anything that hasn't been said. Maybe you could use a little more structure in the spacing like four lines per stanza or something.
"this monsters still lurks within me still stares out the windows of my soul waiting on my window pane"
and here I wouldn't of used window twice instead said glass the first time.
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