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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 14, 2010 1:11:09 GMT -5
I use a word in this one I don’t like and I’m a bit worried of offending. If anyone finds it offensive please let me know and I will delete it. I’ll work on that when I have time anyway. If anyone has any suggestions they are very welcome as well.
Please don’t use it in your reply. PM me if you must use it.
Broken Vow
My prayers remain unanswered. For ten years I have remained true to my vow. Many times have I been tempted. But I’ve remained steadfast till now.
I took a vow of abstinence when my faith was shaken. On that fateful day when my love was taken.
I was angry and dismayed. My heart you cruelly played. You gave unto me her gift. Then shattered it with a rift.
Had I angered you in some way? What is the price I must pay? You have done this to me before. Why do you treat me like a whore?
The ones I love the most, you keep turning into ghosts. What must I do to be worthy? Become a priest and live earthy?
So I do my best to appease. In the hope you would give me ease. I became your mortal sword. I passed your word to the hoard.
Ten years I have given. In faith I gave you my all. But my faith is shaken once more. It is you who is the whore.
Are all to live for only you? What is it you think your due? Give me life then only take. Do me no favors for my sake.
What do you care about anyway? You forsake me to this day. You care not for priestly vows. Nor of the wicked and suffering you allow.
What of ascetic impositions on mortal behavior? Do you slay those who kill thy neighbor? Or call to heed those full of greed? All I see is a world of need.
That is the most devastating truth. You claim to be benevolent. Ha! More like malevolent. Perhaps… simply indifferent.
From your wrath the good are not exempt. Again my scorn you tempt. I return home for a brief respite. Now I am truly alone in my dark night.
Returning home I find, again you have been unkind. My home burned to the ground. Of my son only his bones are found. All I have left is contempt.
At keeping promises you miserably fail. Your indifference is the true betrayal. This broken vow is yours to bear. For you simply do not care.
So damn this vow here and now. I’m no longer aligned with you nor will I pay you due. I have wasted many years and nights of pleasure, peaceful slumber, and life its self on this endeavor.
Woe to the next woman who tempts me to break it. I’m done with self imposed proprieties. I will no longer deny my need or stay release. She better be strong and her endurance long, for I have much of need and years to relieve.
Just do as you have and stay out of it. I want nothing from you or the nothing you do. If you change your mind or newly decide, take your gift and stuff it… I’ll just take back my pride.
TheLonelyForsaken
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Post by porcelain on Oct 21, 2010 1:16:38 GMT -5
Wow... I felt anger, impatience, and saddness as I read this poem.
'At keeping promises you miserably fail. Your indifference is the true betrayal. This broken vow is yours to bear. For you simply do not care.'
I'm sorry that you feel this way...No one should have to feel that they have been betrayed in such a way. No one should feel as if they are being ignored to such an extremity..
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 26, 2010 14:37:17 GMT -5
Thank you Porselian
As always, your comment is sweet and much appreciated.
“Wow... I felt anger, impatience, and saddness as I read this poem.” – I discovered long ago what true hatred is and such darkness goes against every fiber of my being. It has left me torn. I’m sure there is a poem in this but it is difficult to write about.
This is a work of fiction but even in fiction our feelings are real. I felt like this for many years, and this is the toned down version, but feelings change and I’m no longer certain how I feel exactly. I don’t feel nearly as strongly as I once did about it at least and that allows for some freedom and hope.
Take care,
Forsaken
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Post by porcelain on Oct 27, 2010 2:00:21 GMT -5
I understand.. Sometimes a little uncertainty is what we need to get things back to where they need to be. I am very happy you have that room for freedom and hope (: It's not a bad thing.
Take care dear.
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'`Redemption
Crimson Soul
Life's judgement forstalled, I'm already in hell.
Posts: 76
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Post by '`Redemption on Dec 12, 2010 6:27:20 GMT -5
Greetings;;
mmmm love the dark too lines. Pure rage, if I must say so myself. A great poet you are, forsaken, and if thats not the truth I don't know what is. The beat is nice, and fits the mood perfectly.
Now.. Now.... the hard bit. Finding something to critique...
Well, just in some places you could change the wording a small bit....
thats all I can really find. Have a dark day; '`Red
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Dec 12, 2010 8:36:36 GMT -5
Greetings ;;Now.. Now.... the hard bit. Finding something to critique... Well, just in some places you could change the wording a small bit.... thats all I can really find. '`Red Where? Can you give specific examples? A lot of us at DS are constantly working at improving our writing skills and one of the most important ways of doing this is getting specific constructive crit.
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'`Redemption
Crimson Soul
Life's judgement forstalled, I'm already in hell.
Posts: 76
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Post by '`Redemption on Dec 12, 2010 21:36:27 GMT -5
very well...
'All who I love the most, you turn them into ghosts.'
I believe these two lines, to fit in with the rest of it's passage, need to be just a little longer. Not in words, just in sylables. Perhapse change a word for another..?
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Dec 12, 2010 22:42:26 GMT -5
Hi Redemption
Thank you. It means a lot to know others can relate to my poetry. I know how hard it is to criticize and return with helpful ideas. Sometimes something just doesn’t seem to be or fit right but you can’t pinpoint the problem. I have an area I’m not very happy with myself in this poem. I had hoped to get comments on it but so far no one has touched on it.
Now that you draw my attention to it I remember arranging that stanza to better introduce the next stanza. Then I later removed the next stanza. I think it fits better if I write it this way
“All who I love the most, you turn them into ghosts. What must I do to be worthy? Become a priest and live earthy? “
The last two lines do a better job of introducing the next stanza now.
I’m not sure what to do about the two lines you mentioned. What do you think of these;
All those I love the most, you keep turn into ghosts.
or
The ones I love the most, you keep turning into ghosts.
or
You keep turning into ghosts, All those I love the most.
Please feel free to expand and don’t worry about offending me. I can take it.
Thanks,
Forsaken
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'`Redemption
Crimson Soul
Life's judgement forstalled, I'm already in hell.
Posts: 76
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Post by '`Redemption on Dec 12, 2010 23:21:05 GMT -5
Hey Forsaken;; Yes, I'm new to giving critique. I'm used to taking it, but I don't know... it feels funny to judge other people's work. I'll get used to it. I like you're second modification to the lines the most. I don't know, but it just seams to fit in my mind. You know the feeling when something just doesn't click, but seams to fit in every logical way? What is the area you are un-happy with? I highly doubt it, but you never know, I might just be able to see something. Thankyou, '`Red
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Dec 13, 2010 0:16:55 GMT -5
Hi Red
Wait! Do you have red hair? I can’t call you red unless you do. LOL
“Yes, I'm new to giving critique. I'm used to taking it, but I don't know... it feels funny to judge other people's work. I'll get used to it.” – I never feel worthy of giving criticism yet I beg for it myself. There is some more of that irony I love so much.
“I like you're second modification to the lines the most. I don't know, but it just seams to fit in my mind. You know the feeling when something just doesn't click, but seams to fit in every logical way?” – I know what you mean and I know how hard it is to describe. By “second modification” do you mean; “The ones I love the most, you keep turning into ghosts.”
“What is the area you are un-happy with? I highly doubt it, but you never know, I might just be able to see something.” – “I’m no longer aligned with you nor will I pay you due. I have wasted many years and nights of pleasure, peaceful slumber, and life its self on this useless endeavor. So damn this vow here and now.”
This stanza contains all I wish to convey but I’m sure it can be written better. The first line is fine as it is and leads up to the main message given in the last line very well. But the second and third just don’t feel right.
Hmmm… looking at it differently now… maybe this is better? So damn this vow here and now. I’m no longer aligned with you nor will I pay you due. I have wasted many years and nights of pleasure, peaceful slumber, and life its self on this useless endeavor.
Yes I think the previous stanza leads into it this way well and it leads into the next a little better too. What do you think?
I’m still not sure about this part; “I have wasted many years and nights of pleasure, peaceful slumber, and life its self on this useless endeavor.”
Take care,
Forsaken
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'`Redemption
Crimson Soul
Life's judgement forstalled, I'm already in hell.
Posts: 76
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Post by '`Redemption on Dec 13, 2010 0:30:50 GMT -5
Greetings;; Yes... giving critique is hard while recieving it is a dream. Oh the irony! “I have wasted many years and nights of pleasure, peaceful slumber, and life its self on this useless endeavor.” hmmm.... theres something about that... as if.... I think, perhapse, there is too much in those lines, as if you need to cut a few syllables. Perhapse a contraction..? E.g - "I have wasted" would become "I've wasted" As for the third line.... try cutting the word 'useless' then say it to yourself. I think it sounds a little better. I was just thinking this about the length, because the first too are shorter, straight to the point and up in your face, very effective. Anyway, tell me what you think. '`Red PS - LOL nice one forsaken Pity... I don't have red hair... oh well. ^.^
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Dec 13, 2010 1:03:55 GMT -5
Thanks Red It does seem to be improving. I hate contractions in poetry though I have been forced to use them occasionally. Taking the word useless out seems to have given it the balance it needed. I noticed you have been working on your profile and I have to say I like what you did with your background and avatar. Very nice color match. Your signature is no longer your poem “Can You?” very good poem BTW. Take care, Forsaken
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'`Redemption
Crimson Soul
Life's judgement forstalled, I'm already in hell.
Posts: 76
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Post by '`Redemption on Dec 13, 2010 1:08:47 GMT -5
I'm very glad I could be of any help. Thats unusual for me. Thanks for the comment. yeah... something went a bit messed up in my signature. I'll fix that one up. Thanks! I modified that poem too and posted a new version of it. Well actually.. I just replied to the old one with the new one. Once again, love the poem. '`Red
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Post by RisYerg on Oct 7, 2011 1:48:04 GMT -5
Hi, L.F.! Cool work! A real "scream of soul". And, to my mind, the honest one. Probably you could make it a little bit "shorter" but it's your choice. Very good work! R.Y.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 7, 2011 17:30:39 GMT -5
Thanks Ris
This is the short version. LOL!
I just read it again after I’m not sure how long and the rhyming is horrible. A bit embarrassing actually but I do love the story. Hmmmm? I may have to try to rewrite this someday.
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