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Post by bloodwolf on Jun 18, 2008 19:39:54 GMT -5
A time forgotten within the cluster To go back takes courage you can't muster The memories forgotten and can't be found A childhood crushed into the ground
I barely remember what happened before When whole worlds lay out my front door All thats left is scatterd and thrown away Perhaps to be found again one day
Gray and faded is this scene I'm ripped and broken like this screen These things inside cannot be fixed Emotions seem to all be mixed
This place is desolate now adays It pains me in so many ways This place is surrounded by a haze It has me in a nostalgic maze
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Post by blutengel666 on Jun 18, 2008 20:13:43 GMT -5
I really loved this poem, the rhyme scheme was spot on and the feeling behind it just realy caught my eye. Tehe good job =3
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Post by Kitten on Jun 22, 2008 21:30:51 GMT -5
Those last two stanzas are painfully formulaic/generic. You should at least try to find a unique or interesting way to rhyme. scene/screen, haze/daze is boring, especially because it looks like you just picked words that rhymed and then tried to make the poem make sense.
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Post by bloodwolf on Jun 23, 2008 23:47:48 GMT -5
That might be what happened because it is an old poem written when I was fairly new to poetry so it isn't going to be close to most of the poems on the site
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Post by 2standalone on Jun 25, 2008 21:16:44 GMT -5
Not really feeling this one.. but i did like the begging i like the concept you were going for.. really interesting.. I bet if you edit a little since its older you could get a lot more out of it..
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