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Post by lonelylove on Jun 4, 2008 16:45:59 GMT -5
i lay awake, you beside me, a sadness consumes me.
i want only you to wake, to hold me tight again, to tell me you love me again, to say everything will be alright again.
i fell in love with you.... you fell out of love with me.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 5, 2008 12:47:17 GMT -5
It feels like Ive been saying this a lot the last few weeks, but here it is:
If you want your readers to connect with your writing, be creative! Use interesting and unique ideas/images/figures of speech to get your personality and situation across to us. I feel nothing from reading this poem. Words like "sadness" are dull and meaningless.
Try reading your work to yourself.. Ask yourself, "does it sound like this poem was written by me, or does it feel like it could have been written by anyone?" I understand that this piece probably has a lot of emotional impact for you, but if you are posting it at a poetry forum, then you need to understand that we dont know you yet here.. Let us know you.
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Post by 2standalone on Jun 7, 2008 14:47:46 GMT -5
I understand the emotion you are presenting.. but it lacks complexity on some level.. but keep expressing and you will get somewhere. you might want to switch around 'you' and 'only'
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