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Post by darknessfalls on Jun 6, 2008 15:25:52 GMT -5
My head is sore from the thoughts of you, My arms and legs are numb, The feelings that i thought of you, Out numbered 10 to one.
My heart feels like it's been torn appart, My throat is thin and dry, The only thing I want for you, Is to hope that soon you'll die.
Time heals all wounds, But mine all stay fresh, And my feelings that I thought of you, Are gone, just like your flesh.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 7, 2008 11:00:26 GMT -5
Something that most poets at DS are fond of is unique poetry. Your poem has several lines that are cliche.. Generally when writing, if it feels like that particular line has been used before, its better to leave it alone. Expand on your personal feelings.. Make the writing unique for your readers.
Your rhythm is shaky in places. You may need to rework a few lines, since the syllables are off.. Especially in the switch from stanza two to three. You may have done that intentionally, but personally I dont think its as effective as it ccould be.
This line is awesome. It gets the feeling across perfectly! Nicely done.
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Post by lonelylove on Jun 8, 2008 21:29:42 GMT -5
ok in the first stanza you should keep to numarica numbers or write them both out. and in the second stanza the last line it sounds like the "is to hope that soon you'll die" part should be chanded to "is to hope that you will soon die" to me it just seems to flow nicer the second way. and i would cut iyt off to an abrupt end in the last. i know that it would mess with your rythme pattern but i think that it might make the piece more effective.
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