pfiu`.....here we go
1 Quote:tainted, shattered, spoiled...
stand still the hearts in a void
of selfishness and disaster
are tainted, shattered and spoiled in reference to this heart? Do you want us to stand still or the heart?
the hearts
2 Quote:ruled by some crude master
of feelings in vain,
thorned and ashamed.
your switch from master to the next line is an incomplete thought/sentence. It sounds really weird putting them together. I cant tell if these vain feelings are yours, the masters or someone elses.
void
of selfishness and disaster
ruled by some crude master
better ?
3Quote:putting masks to hide the bald...
Im not sure what this means.. You are putting a mask on to hide your balding head?
nop....got lots of hair...
bald ...like....plain... to hide the lack of feelings, emotions
4 Quote:gouging far into unknown...
what is doing the gouging?
our minds
5 Quote:facing left from what they sworn..
grammatically "what they would have sworn" works better, but I still dont know what this line is about.
i won`t argue about the grammatical errors.....
what i`ve wanted to say is ....about breaking the pledges made one to another......not necessarily spoken
6 Quote:scabbing feathers from our wings, ....again.
"scabbing feathers" doesnt make sense to me.. Maybe plucking feathers? or pulling?
got me here.....i`ll correct that
7 Quote:numbing, blinding disease...
called love by heart deceased..
screaming pain inside the eye
of dying, careless, empty sights..
ripping, clawing for release...
yells inside your heart with malice.
This wasnt bad at all. I liked how raw it was. One thing.. release and malice dont rhyme, so it sounds a little "off" after hearing the above 4 lines rhyme.
thx, i appreciate it,
i know it doesn`t rhyme....just what i wanted to say.
8 Quote:releasing anger into beams...
Do you mean that you have forced your hostility into one, strong beam of emotion? Might need to reword it if thats what you were going for.
nop....like depreasured the anger into those "beams".......releasing my anger on everyone....
9 Quote:craze and angst combined with fear
brings the pain and you, death near..
Im not sure why the "and you" is in there. You need to reword this.. Maybe something like "craze and angst combined with fear, it brings the pain; your dead this near" ?
i was writing at the 3rd person`.....i wanted to say that.....the craze and angst combinet with fear brings you pain.....and gets you close to death
thx again....
Alekiel