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Post by twiztidfreekshow on Oct 19, 2007 13:22:52 GMT -5
The leaves are finally turning I knew we'd live to see it Together
We've delt with so much Jealous, envious people Even our own childish minds
Yet we have come so far Too far to stop now Never in my life could I let you go
Your presence is too precious to me To let it fade away I couldn't live if this were to happen
Forever we shall wait for summer to pass To watch the leaves turn Together
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Oct 21, 2007 12:30:17 GMT -5
Welcome to Dark Star, Twiztid.
Sounds like youve got a lot of history with this person, but exactly what, its impossible for me to tell. Some specific examples of why you would be heartbroken without this person would make the poem more effective for me since I dont know you yet.
The last stanza was very pretty. Calming.
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Post by twiztidfreekshow on Oct 22, 2007 14:45:13 GMT -5
thank you very much for reading.
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Post by Kitten on Oct 24, 2007 21:59:15 GMT -5
Your wording a bit too basic, it doesn't really allow the me to connect with the piece. It left me feeling detached.
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Post by brainkisser on Jun 16, 2008 0:36:05 GMT -5
hey i think the basic idea works but you should add some imagery perhaps describing the seasons
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