wkdclwn
Dark Initiate
Dimension of Imagination
Posts: 33
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Unpure
Jun 16, 2008 23:53:41 GMT -5
Post by wkdclwn on Jun 16, 2008 23:53:41 GMT -5
Unpure
To taste the tears you always cry Saying I make you want to die Craving the love you always want While inside I do nothing but taunt Making you believe a lie that was created Just so your esteem would be elevated Never caring as your tears ran down your face I was always in a different place A place where you never did exist If only you would have accepted this Accepted the fact you never did matter Realized that I can only bring disaster I can only destroy and can never console This is my devilish and hateful role Starting with my parents then only with myself I always wanted to be someone else To be the person I could never be Destroy the image that was always me Yet I turned it around and took it out on you Only because you allowed me to Allowed me to hate and degrade Making you live in my shade Yet somehow I am sorry you had to endure All these things that make me so unpure.
© 2008 J.E.M.
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Unpure
Jun 20, 2008 11:04:40 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 20, 2008 11:04:40 GMT -5
I dont mean to be a jerk, but the rhythm is so forced and uneven that its difficult to finish your poem. There are a lot of filler words in there as well.. It definitely needs some parring down.
Maybe this could be re-worked into a free verse? As it sits its not effective enough.
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Unpure
Jun 22, 2008 22:06:38 GMT -5
Post by Kitten on Jun 22, 2008 22:06:38 GMT -5
You're just too stuck on the rhyme scheme. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme, you know, in fact it's usually better without. Focus on the content, not the rhyme.
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wkdclwn
Dark Initiate
Dimension of Imagination
Posts: 33
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Unpure
Jun 24, 2008 0:28:48 GMT -5
Post by wkdclwn on Jun 24, 2008 0:28:48 GMT -5
Writers block and liquor and a lot of anger do not make for good poetry. That was the mixture that brought this piece forth.
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Unpure
Jun 24, 2008 12:24:39 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 24, 2008 12:24:39 GMT -5
Writers block and liquor and a lot of anger do not make for good poetry. That was the mixture that brought this piece forth. Why would you post the poem if you dont believe in it?
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wkdclwn
Dark Initiate
Dimension of Imagination
Posts: 33
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Unpure
Jun 25, 2008 3:13:44 GMT -5
Post by wkdclwn on Jun 25, 2008 3:13:44 GMT -5
The same as everyone else...to get input as to what should be changed. I believe in the words...they are oh so true. Just needed input on what 2 change before making it complete. thats all.
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