alekiel
Dark Initiate
never there....
Posts: 55
|
you
Jun 4, 2008 12:43:32 GMT -5
Post by alekiel on Jun 4, 2008 12:43:32 GMT -5
you
your face is like a puzzle to me.. a universe, a mystery... you keep surprising me again and again....you never blend in this world...you are alone why are you so thorned ?
you keep on keeping me away... i keep on making` you wanna stay... you keep running` away from me.. i keep on keeping` to your shade.. this will never end.... i will never end.
you say you want out but you lure me into your games ....i am a fool... `coz` my perfect dark is you.. i just want you here.... i just want you to hear what i`ve got on my soul... i can never hope... for you love......that is just too much.. i`m just a ghost that lost its touch.. your the one that keep my heart... imprisoned deep inside your heart... but you will never come.. i`ll just be undone...
you smile at me with so much ease... your addictive sense comes like a breeze.... i`m an adict....and your my drug.... you made my mind go in zigg`zagg... but i will never end... i`ll keep coming` there... `coz` for you i don`t have a spare... your ireplaceble.... you....
by Alekiel
|
|
|
you
Jun 5, 2008 12:11:42 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 5, 2008 12:11:42 GMT -5
You need to clean up your spelling and grammar before most people will take your writing seriously.
In just the first stanza alone.. you = your mistery = mystery in these world = in this world you are so lone = you are lone or you are so alone
Posting mistakes(especially this many) shows that you havent put much effort into your poetry. It shows that you dont really care.. So why should we care to leave feedback?
I dont mean to be rude, just giving honest, helpful feedback.
|
|
alekiel
Dark Initiate
never there....
Posts: 55
|
you
Jun 10, 2008 12:05:26 GMT -5
Post by alekiel on Jun 10, 2008 12:05:26 GMT -5
and i apreciate it i do care about it....and i thank you for your feedback i`ll modify it ... thx, Alekiel
|
|
|
you
Jun 10, 2008 12:38:57 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 10, 2008 12:38:57 GMT -5
Oh good. Im happy to see that you do care and are willing to take feedback.
|
|
|
you
Jun 29, 2008 20:29:29 GMT -5
Post by caskade on Jun 29, 2008 20:29:29 GMT -5
well i liked its anyways, "you say you want out but you lure me into your games... i am a fool 'coz' my perfect dark is you".
|
|