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Post by lucialee on Jun 14, 2008 0:42:48 GMT -5
You’re like a statue So callus and cold I look in your eyes For a love untold
I search for the answers To what you will give But I’m tired of waiting I’ve got life to live
You push me away When I am alone You pull me to you When you feel unsewn
I’m tired of the bullshit Your little tantrums I absolutely hate your Voice in my eardrums
I’ve got no more to give to you Or anyone
f*ck love, f*ck hope I’ve come undone
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Post by xxxmorbiddreamsxxx on Jun 14, 2008 1:22:33 GMT -5
i really like the ending. i also like how your rhyming was used in the quatrain's
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wkdclwn
Dark Initiate
Dimension of Imagination
Posts: 33
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Post by wkdclwn on Jun 14, 2008 1:52:41 GMT -5
Very powerful and emotional. A love turned bitter. A hatred brewing on the surface. Great work.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 14, 2008 11:25:33 GMT -5
I can feel the frustration behind your words, but the rhythm coming loose on the fourth stanza was a little distracting.. The syllables are off and tantrums/eardrums seemed like a bit of a stretch.
If you reword this line or respace it, it wont sound like such a mouthful. Maybe "Ive got nothing to give" or "Ive got / no more to give.. / to you / or anyone"
Its pretty rare this type of writing works, but I think you made it really effective as an ender.
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Post by lucialee on Jun 14, 2008 11:48:47 GMT -5
thank you all for your comments... my rhyming is a bit off and the timing goes off at the end because I was basically feeling myself losing the rhythm behind my own anger, and so I guess it kind of fit the end of the poem in a way... but I'll keep that in mind... again thanks
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Post by 2standalone on Jun 15, 2008 12:38:08 GMT -5
powerful ending.. loved this
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